The groom approaches the bride at the Badeken, and quotes Laban’s blessing to Rebecca, “Our sister, may you come to be thousands of thousands of myriads (Genesis 24:60).” Interestingly enough, the Ohr haChaim haKadosh teaches that Rebecca was barren (25:21) to prove that when she did have children, it was not as a result of Laban’s blessing, but Isaac’s prayer. Why did we make this blessing part of the wedding ceremony if it is a blessing that did not work?

It seems that it is not the blessing that matters, but who is reciting the blessing. This implies that all the blessings we recite in our prayers and throughout the day depend on who is the one reciting the blessing! We must reflect on whether we are someone worthy of reciting an effective blessing before we recite the words. Perhaps we can use our Tefillin mirrors all day, and take a peek before we recite a blessing. Each bracha will become an opportunity to do Teshuva. If only…

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Learn & discover the Divine prophecies with Rabbi Simcha Weinberg from the holy Torah, Jewish Law, Mysticism, Kabbalah and Jewish Prophecies. The Foundation Stone™ is the ultimate resource for Jews, Judaism, Jewish Education, Jewish Spirituality & the holy Torah.

The Swedish refer to children who are highly sensitive to their environment, especially to the quality of parenting they receive, as Orkidebarn, Orchid Children. If neglected, Orchid Children promptly wither, but if nurtured, they flourish. An Orchid Child becomes “a flower of unusual delicacy and beauty.” Dandelion Children have the capacity to survive, even thrive, in whatever circumstances they encounter. They are psychologically resilient.

Our first peek at Esau and Jacob offers us a Dandelion and an Orchid. “Esau became one who knows hunting, a man of the field; but Jacob was a wholesome man, abiding in tents (Genesis 25:27).” Esau is a Dandelion Child able to thrive in a violent world, even when standing unprotected in the field.

Jacob is presented as an Orchid, a child who can thrive only in the protective environment of tents.

We are familiar with Jacob the Orchid becoming a Dandelion. He forces Esau to sell the birthright. He steals his brother’s blessing. He will thrive in the house of Laban. He will successfully confront great enemies.

We are less familiar with Esau’s desperate drive to become an Orchid: “Then Esau perceived that the daughters of Canaan were evil in the eyes of Isaac, his father. So Esau went to Yishmael and took Mahalath, the daughter of Yishmael son of Abraham… as a wife for himself (Genesis 28:8-9).” Esau is convinced that he will only be safe in the arms of his father. Yes, he will confront Jacob, but only in the protective womb of a huge army.

Perhaps this is why Jacob dresses himself in Esau’s clothes; he wants Isaac to realize that he, Jacob, is not an Orchid, but a Dandelion. He wants Isaac to see that it is he who has the courage and strength to go out into the world and live as a child of Abraham and Isaac.

Why are they first presented in reverse roles? The Torah is teaching us that it is not the way we are born, as Orchids or Dandelions, that determines our success, but our choice of which flower to become?

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My father zt”l always told me that a person “who is a person who truly honors his parents will have good children”. He also told me, in 1964, that one of his students, D, practiced extraordinary honor of his parents. So, keeping the two ideas in mind, I was excited to meet D’s son. If D was truly a master of honoring his parents, and I believe my father, his son must be a very special person. I had never met him, but I couldn’t wait to see how good a person he is.

He’s not. He went out of his way to try to publicly insult me. I have heard so much worse, that I didn’t feel insulted. My only thought was of my father.

It is unusual for me to feel that my father was mistaken about a Torah based idea or an observation of human behavior. So, I assumed that I was mistaken, and the son I perceived as a very rude and obnoxious person, must actually be a good guy. I was willing to consider his rude behavior as a reaction to me. (I’ve often been told that I bring out the worst in some people.)

How could I find out?

At least I had some lessons from another ‘father,’ Isaac, the Patriarch, as how to handle such people: “Abimelech went to him from Gerar with a group of his friends and Phicol, general of his legion. Isaac said to him, “Why have you come to me? You hate me.” (Genesis 26:26-27)

I could do as Isaac did and say, “You hate me. Why?” Abimelech was not insulted by Isaac’s forthrightness: “We have indeed seen that God is with you.” Yes, I hate you, but, hey, you have God on your side, so let’s cooperate!

No matter how rude this fellow was to me, he couldn’t be worse than Abimelech.

I used the Isaac approach: “You hate me. You attempted to publicly insult me. Please tell me why.”

It didn’t work. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said with pure venom as he walked away.

Is it possible that both Isaac and my father were wrong? Inconcievable!

I cannot blame this person’s mother; she is an even finer person than her husband. I thought back on my father’s words and found the answer. He differentiated between a person who practiced all the behaviors of Kibud Av v’Eim – honoring parents – and a person who is a person whose essence is to honor his parents. The actions do not necessarily change a person’s essence. A person may do everything according to the letter of the law, but not be a person who honors his parents. It’s like the person who performs all the actions of love without really loving his wife. She will know, and parents know when their child honors them and when he is simply going through the motions.

I thought back on my father’s description of D: “practiced extraordinary honor of his parents,” he did not say that D was a true honorer of his parents. No wonder his son is so rude! I can only claim to be a person who honors his father, not just in action but in essence, by being more careful in listening to his words.

What about Isaac? I still believe in being straightforward about such things, and not pretending that I am a friend of someone who is actually an enemy. But, Isaac did not go to Abimelech. He waited for the king to come to him. I should not have approached D’s son with my question. I should have been more careful in listening to Isaac, and waited for the young man to come to me. I can become a child whose essence honors Isaac only when I am more careful in following his lead.

I’ll try.

Rabbeinu Yonah: Honoring Parents & Tools For Honoring Parents

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Why was Jacob cooking lentils? His father, Isaac, was in mourning, and we feed mourners eggs or lentils, perfectly round foods without an opening, or mouth, because a mourner cannot adequately express his pain. Sounds good, but, how does serving them this food help them? I recall eating an egg upon return from my father’s funeral and not experiencing anything more than the classic sign of mourning.

If a mourner, understandably, has difficulty expressing himself. we can imagine that other family members, although not is such dire straits, would also have trouble speaking. We know that Eisav was effected by his grandfather’s death, part of his “exhaustion,” so we can imagine that his speech was not at its best that day. So why do we take his words at such a difficult time so seriously as to name him, “Edom” because he referred to red beans as red? Is he not entitled to a break?

I sat down next to my Uncle Noach zt”l as we began Shiva and mentioned how I was wondering about the egg. “Why ya asking me?” “Well, you have something to say about everything. You’ve thought about it. You see things in a way that no one else can or does.” “Are you asking me to talk after eating an egg to remind us how hard it is t speak?” “Well, yes, but this is not about Pa.” “Everything at this moment is about your father, my brother, everything, even what you eat and how you eat it. Think about Eisav!”

I’m thinking.

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“It is greater to serve the wise than to study with them,” teaches the Talmud. I often find myself sharing stories of my grandfather, father, uncle, and my Rebbi, with those willing to listen. The tales all offer the most unbelievable life lessons that touch the heart in a way that no lecture possibly could.

I just returned from a Shiva visit at which I heard powerful stories of human dignity and commitment. The deceased was not a rabbi or a scholar. He was a hero of plain simple goodness, and his life lessons are reflected in his children and grandchildren. His daughter is a remarkable wife, mother, human being and Jew. His son-in-law, my dentist, is one of the most remarkable human beings I have ever met. The hero successfully raised other heroes, and they, in turn, are raising children who reflect the best qualities of their parents and grandparents.

R is one of my best friends. He is not a Torah sage; in fact he is not Jewish. But he is a true super-hero. One day a very ill woman knocked on his door. It was a woman who had abandoned him years before. She was dying of cancer, had at most six months to live, and she had no money, food, or bed. R took her in, and created a beautiful environment for her in his home. He helped her reconnect with her children, and he added almost two years to her life. R is a hero and we can learn much from his story.

People often express envy over all my stories of the great rabbis with whom I lived and studied. I keep on telling them that we do not have to live with great rabbis and sages to witness stories of heroism. Rebecca lived with Laban, one of the most evil people in the bible. The verse goes out of its way to tell us that she always remembered the strength she learned from her wicked brother. We remember him at most Jewish weddings and quote his farewell blessing to his sister.

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When Jacob told his mother that Isaac would feel his arms and know he was not Esau, the deception would be discovered. His mother went to the closet in her home and took one of Esau’s garments, his “Armani” skins, and had Jacob wear it.

But why did Esau have any of his clothing, and specifically his good clothing, his “Armani skins,’ in Rebecca’s home?

Esau knew his mother loved Jacob. He felt she did not love him. And if she did, it was not as much as she loved Jacob. And he wanted his mother to love him as much as she loved his brother. So he tried to convince his mother to love him.

Esau felt if he left his good clothing in Rebecca’s house it would send the following message. “Mommy, I know you love Jacob. I also need that level of love. You are my mother. Look mommy, I am putting my good clothing in your hands. I am a good boy. Please, please love me the same way you love Jacob.”

This cry was as loud and poignant as when his father told his son Esau there was no blessing for him.  The cry was, “What about me? What about me? I am your son!”

With his father he used words. With his clothing he used something tangible. In both cases they were cries from the heart.

How do we communicate with our children? How do we communicate with our parents? How do we tell them we love them?

How many people grew up with a parent who did not have conversations with them, but always provided for their food, shelter and clothing? The parent took them to school, social events and cultural outings. The communication mode was “doing.” But did the child understand that the “doing” was a communication saying, I love you?”

There are two answers to this question. The first answer is that parents need to communicate in both modes. People need both word and action. But the other answer to the question is that the child needs to recognize the “doing” as another way of saying I love you. The problem with this answer is that it usually takes a child a long time, perhaps years and years, to understand this.

If we use both methods to communicate, perhaps no child will have to cry out, “What about me?’

I want to thank Rabbi Weinberg for an important insight in this essay.

As an Expression of Loving Others:

1. Compose a list of his/her best attributes.

• Fulfilling the Commandment of Honor:

1. What he/she has done for me.


2. What have I learned from him/her?


3. What has he/she taught me?


4. What do I respect about him/her?

• Gratitude:

1. Tell him/her: “I learned this from you.”


2. Tell him/her: You did this for me.

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I once met a famous rabbi who is known for his clarity and sensitivity. I had heard of him, read many of his writings, and had looked forward to developing a relationship with him as a teacher. I first wanted to know whether he met my father zt”l’s Three Steps For Choosing a Rebbi:

1. Do I respect him as a person?


2. Do I trust his judgment?


3. Do I feel that, “He is as an angel,” meaning, do I feel that he is a proper messenger of God’s Wisdom?

I asked him the following Halachic question: “A young man, abandoned by his father when he was four-years-old, became observant in his teens. He is quite resentful and often speaks negatively of his father. He is concerned that his negative words are considered Lishon Harah, negative speech. What shall I tell him?”

I had already answered the young man’s question, but I wanted to get a sense of how this great rabbi responded to such queries. “If the father is not an ‘Oseh ma’aseh amcha,” one who acts as a Hew should, there is no prohibition of Lishon Harah.”

I realized that I could not use this rabbi as a resource: His answer was Halachically accurate. It is a common response to questions about Lishon Harah and Kibud Av V’eim, honoring parents. I often hear of rabbis ruling that someone is not obligated in Kibud Av for one reason or another. It is simple to rule based on the black and white Halacha. But it is not what I consider a proper response. In fact, I consider such Halachic rulings tragic!

There are two parts to every Mitzvah: The Mitzvah and the Concept. The basic laws, and the spiritual development that is only possible through the observance of the Mitzvah. While it may be permissible to speak Lishon Harah of someone for one reason or another, it is still Lishon Harah, The Vocabulary of Evil. Negative speech has a powerful effect on us even if permissible. The Talmud teaches that even negative speech about trees and stones has a detrimental effect.

Honoring parents has a positive effect even if the letter of the law does not obligate respect in a specific relationship or situation. A person is changed by his or her care in observing the laws of Kibud, respecting parents. The law does not require me to obey a parent who instructs me to violate a Torah law, but that does not mean that I can reject their instructions with ridicule, without honor in the way I inform the parent that I cannot obey.

The Sages describe Esau as meticulous in his observance of Honoring Parents. (See “All Dressed Up and No One To Owe”) Do we find Esau changed by his concern for this Mitzvah/Concept?

To Be Continued…

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My father signs his letters to me with his actual name, and not Dad. May I respond by writing a letter addressed to him by his proper name? M.D. 

The Halachic issue is whether writing is considered the same as speaking. Both the Rambam and the Tur (YD 240 & 242) rule that one may not address a parent by his or her proper name. The Emek Sh’eilah (Rav Mordechai Twerski, #66) determines that Halacha considers writing as speech, and therefore rules that you may not write to your father, using his proper name.

I learned that part of a child’s obligation to her parents is to never behave in such a way that her behavior will reflect poorly on them. I am not as religious as my parents, and although I observe the commandments, I am not as careful as are they in keeping all the stringencies. My mother told me that she is often embarrassed by people who mention how horrible it must be for her to have such a child. Am I Halachically responsible for their embarrassment? Am I breaking my biblical obligation of honor by not observing stringencies? B.Y.

First of all, there is a difference between observant and religious. I don’t know whether you mean that you are not as observant or not as religious as your parents. I mention this because your question indicates a high level of awareness and commitment. I wish more people, including me, were so aware of the Mitzvah of Kibbud.

I once saw a Responsum in the Salmat Chaim (Volume II #40) that ruled that Kibbud Av v’Eim obligate a person to be concerned with how their actions reflect on their parents. I was concerned because, although I asked for my father’s permission to become the rabbi of a modern orthodox synagogue, I knew that many people were convinced that my position was an embarrassment to my father. (I actually had a similar issue with my grandfather zt”l when I became the rabbi of a synagogue with a Mechitza of minimum height. I called my grandfather after someone told me that I was an embarrassment to my grandfather, and asked him whether I had to be concerned. His response, less than two years before his death, was, at great physical cost, to fly to my new hometown and daven in my shul!)

My father zt”l told me that although one must be concerned with how his behavior reflects on his parents, he does not have to worry about small minded people. “Awareness,” he said, “is just that; awareness. Simply consider whether your actions will be considered by reasonable people as a poor reflection on your parents.”

I would certainly apply my father’s words to your situation: You have fulfilled your obligation of Kibbud by simply asking. You do not need to worry.

My parents are products of the Sixties and are very relaxed about parenthood. They want me to refer to them by their proper names. My rabbi told me that parents can forego their honor: “Av shemachal al kivodo, kivodo machul,” – A parent who forgives his honor; his honor is forgiven.” However, I heard you instruct someone that he should not refer to his father-in-law by his first name although the man asked his son-in-law to do so. I am interested in knowing whether you disagree with my rabbi, and if yes, why? Anonymous

I may only answer you because you are not asking for a ruling after having asked your rabbi, and are simply asking for information.

Your rabbi is correct. A parent’s forgiveness of his honor is sufficient. My father zt”l often explained that each generation demands increased forgiveness of Kibbud than the previous generation. He insisted that I do not allow my children to speak to me in third person.

The Sefer Chasidim (#573) insists that although the father forgives, God does not. Thus, Jacob was punished for the 22 years he spent away from Isaac even though Isaac had instructed Jacob to leave, i.e. Isaac “forgave” his Kavod.

The Chida, in his commentary to Sefer Chasidim, explains that every interaction with a parent has two levels of obligation; the parent and God. Jacob was released of his obligation to Isaac, but not of his obligation to God, which demanded that he honor his father.

We, all too often and easily forget that our obligation to our parents is primarily an obligation to God.

I have heard in the name of the Ari HaKodesh that before a person can rise in Gan Eden, he will be evaluated for his behavior toward his parents even from the time he was six years old!

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As with most young children, the most powerful person in the world in my five-year-old eyes, was my father zt”l. He could answer any question. I used to watch him help my sisters with their homework in, of course, Torah, but also physics and chemistry. I sat and listened as a prominent physicist came to discuss his research with my father. He was the final authority on all issues. I observed the way his students interacted with him, and emulated them. I saw him as a giant. I was convinced that he was the strongest man in the world. I could not imagine anyone more important.

That is, until his mother a”h came to Toronto to visit. I was shocked to see him serve her with even more respect than I had for him. He listened to all she had to say with the same reverence that all had for him. I mentioned my shock to one of sisters (#3) and she described my grandmother’s astounding accomplishments. It was a story that I heard countless times from my father and Uncle Noach zt”l over fifty years. But, her accomplishments were not the reason my father and uncle had such reverence for their mother, or father. There was a certain quality in the way they spoke of their parents that transcended admiration for greatness. It was clear that the reverence changed the way the brothers described their parents.

It was difficult for a young boy to understand, so I asked my father: He looked at me in total surprise and said, “She’s my mother. That’s why.”

His response made me slightly uncomfortable; I, shamefully, admitted that I did not have the same reverence for my mother. I saw her as an expanded version of an older sister; bossy! “Kibud Av V’eim, honoring parents, should never be ‘because,’ it should just be,” was his response. He then added, “Whatever I am is because of my parents, and even more so, because I revere them.”

I still struggle to honor my mother as ‘it should just be.’ I continue to wrestle with one of the Ten Statements. I am not alone. The great Talmudic Sages saw their Kibud Eim as lacking in comparison with the wicked Esau! No wonder this Mitzvah is considered by many to be the most difficult of the 613.

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