צָרַֽרְנוּ

We have caused suffering to God , other people , our families, ourselves . We have openly displayed our hatred of others, even of God . We have made it difficult for others to feel a sense of place and purpose . We are unwilling to give to others even if it won’t cost us a penny ; attention, time, a smile, a good word. We blame our suffering on the absence of God . We don’t accept our suffering with joy for its serving a higher purpose . We suffer over things that are not important. Abba Binyamin said, “Over two things have I suffered/הייתי מצטער, (I would push myself), that I should pray in the proper place, and that my bed should be placed in the proper way. ” There are numerous other such statements in the Gemara. They would pain themselves to do things that were important. We bother ourselves over matters much less significant. We do not cry out to God when we see others suffering . We aren’t willing to put in the hard work necessary to grow in Torah and learning

Elkanah had two wives; Chana and Penina . Penina had seven children. Chana had none. Penina would tease Chana incessantly , and the navi testifies that she did it only so that Chana would pray harder . Penina was still punished . Even when the pain we have caused was for a good purpose, we are still responsible for causing it.

We have played on the weaker side of people to cause them to fall or to cause them pain. We make them look at their weaker sides, and convince them that that is who they are. As the Midyanim did to Bnei Yisrael by causing them to sin and by planning to always attack them where they were weak . The Midyanim knew the weak side of the Jews. They represented the opposite if the heights to which Moshe had led them . They knew that they could turn the Jews away from their heights, and then cause them to fall.

When we treat people from the perspective of their ugliest sides. By treating them that way, we pull them away from their good side. We bring out the worst in them. This is also included in צררנו. We do the same thing to ourselves; we focus on our weaknesses and failures. It is almost as if we are ambushing our success. We do this especially when we are doing Teshuvah. We attack ourselves, and then inevitably fail. צררנו.

קִשִּֽׁינוּ עֹֽרֶף:

We have been obstinate. We have been too stubborn to accept Tochachah, rebuke, from others or from books that we study. When we suffer we refuse to look at ourselves and see what we need to change. By doing so we are saying that the world runs by chance and not by God’s will . We have been too stubborn to forgive others.

Yeravam ben Nevat was given powerful opportunities to do Teshuvah. The Gemara says that God grabbed Yeravam by his shirt and said, “Do Teshuvah, and I and you and David will stroll together in Gan Eden.” “Who will go first? David or me?” “David ” “If so, “ said Yeravam, “I don’t want to do Teshuvah.”

There is actually a story in Melachim itself with many parallels to this midrash; Iddo Hanavi came to Yeravam just as the king stood near an altar to burn incense. The navi cried out against the altar in the name of Hashem and said, “O altar, altar, thus said Hashem; Behold a child shall be born to the house of David, his name will be Yoshia; and on you he will kill the priests of the high places that burn incense upon you, and men’s bones shall be burned upon you.” And then Iddo gave a sign the same day saying, “This is the sign which Hashem has spoken; Behold the altar shall be torn, and the ashes that are upon it shall be poured out.” When Yeravam heard the words of the navi he stretched out his hand saying, “Grab him!” And Yeravam’s hand, which he had stretched against the navi dried up, so that he could not even pull it back to himself. At that moment the altar split and the ashes poured out exactly as said by the navi.

Yeravam, desperate begged the navi to pray to Hashem to restore his hand. The navi prayed, and Yeravam’s hand was restored. Yeravam invited the navi to the palace to eat and receive a reward, but the navi refused. His instructions from God were to eat no bread, drink no water, nor to return on the same path he had taken to see Yeravam.

Even a casual reading of the story reveals how stubborn Yeravam was. How many signs did he need to see the hand of Hashem? The drying of his hand. The splitting of the altar. The restoration of his hand in answer to Iddo’s tefilot. Yeravam even knew to ask Iddo to pray for him. But he was too stubborn to take the next step. From the story in the gemara we mentioned earlier, we can see that his arrogance got in the way. His hand dries up and the altar split. That which is hard and rigid, breaks. When we are too stiff to change, to reflect and change we too are setting ourselves up for hurt. קִשִּֽׁינוּ עֹֽרֶף, we have been too stubborn, to the point of hurting ourselves and our development. We laugh at Yeravam’s seeming stupidity, yet we have to wonder how different we are in our own circumstances.

רָשַֽׁעְנוּ:

We have done things that the Torah calls wicked such as raising our hand to hit someone else . We plan to take revenge. We have thoughts and plans to sin . We are confused and disturbed . We draw our strength from evil we have created ; In the gift of free choice comes the reality that our choices make a difference. We create forces of good or evil with our choices. We can also feed these forces of evil by using good for bad purposes. Instead of jealousy to make us work harder, we turn to envy. Instead of anger to fight evil we turn to anger in general. Instead of stubborness in the face of bad influences, we become too stubborn to change. We turn good into its opposite. This is why evil is called the Sitra Achra, The Other Side. Eventually these forces of evil beging to be our source of energy. This is רָשַֽׁעְנוּ. When our use of the world is for immediate pleasure only and not focused on Olam Habah we are living a limited, or dead life. This why the wicked are called dead even when alive.

(See Shmuel II 22:22)

שִׁחַֽתְנוּ:

We have corrupted that which is good through prohibited sexual activity, arrogance, anger, and hiding our eyes from giving Tzedaka . We don’t rush to perform Mitzvot Each Mitzvah corresponds to one part of the body . When we sin we damage the spiritual well being of that part of our body . We are incomplete , and we allow ourselves to remain that way without working at ourselves. We have challenged the foundations of the structure of our faith and of others’ . We have wasted food and money . We have functioned without thinking about its implications. We take a positive feeling and crush it or put it aside .

If we have a great davening and we don’t want to acknowledge it because it would demand more of us in our furture tefillot, that is שִׁחַֽתְנוּ. If we get hurt after being nice to someone, and then say to ourselves that we won’t be nice anymore because it isn’t worth it; that is שִׁחַֽתְנוּ. When we don’t use positive attributes that we have is also שִׁחַֽתְנוּ.

(ע‘ שערי תשובה דף ל“א ע“ש ; החנף)

תִּעַֽבְנוּ:

We have become an abomination to God . We have become distant from God . We have been arrogant . We waste opportunities to study Torah . We are not meticulous with our tzedaka money or obligations . We have davened when we needed to go to the bathroom . We are not ashamed of our sins in front of other people . We have davened inebriated or otherwise unable to concentrate . We have brought disgusting things into our homes , including inappropriate materials, movies, television shows. We make serious mistakes in judgments about spiritual and halachic issues .

תָּעִֽינוּ:

In general we have turned away from You , and this to us is the most painful thing of all. We have turned so far that we no longer know if what we are doing is wrong, and if it is how to fix it .

The Vilna Gaon explains that it is possible that we have fallen so far into sin that our souls are dead. He bases this on the Gemara that says; When Rabban Yochanan ben Zakkai fell ill, his disciples went in to visit him. When he saw them he began to weep, They said to him, “Mighty hammer! Why do you cry?” He replied, “If I were being taken today before a human king who is here today and gone tomorrow in the grave, whose anger doeas not last forever, who cannot imprison me forever, and cannot put me to everlasting death, and whom I can persuade with words and bribe with money, even so I would weep. Now that I am being taken before the Supreme King of Kings, who lives and endures forever and ever, whose anger, if He is angry with me, is an everlasting anger, Who can imprison me forever, Who can put me to eternal death, and Whom I cannot persuade or bribe, when there are two ways before me, Gan Eden and Gehinom, and I do not know to which I will be taken, shall I not weep?”

From the fact that Rabban Yochanan speaks of anger, prison, Gehinom and death, we can see that he is speaking of four different levels of punishment. Therefore, the Gra continues, when Shlomo says, “The man that wanders out of the way of understanding shall remain in the congregation of the shades,” he is saying that such a wanderer dies an eternal death.

At this point of the Vidui, we are devastated by our failings, mistakes, weaknesses, and the damage we have caused to God’s world and ourselves. We wonder aloud, “How far have we wandered from the way of understanding?”

תִּעְתָּֽעְנוּ:

You have allowed us to fall . Please help us come back.

We also acknowledge at this time that we have been deceptive . We wonder how honest this confession has been. We realize that we have been so dishonest with ourselves in the past, that it is difficult to know how honest we are being now.

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סָרַֽרְנוּ:

We have turned our hearts from the service of Hashem . We allowed ourselves to become complacent and to turn our attention away from the source of our blessings . We easily forgo opportunities to perform Mitzvot. We have not been careful in the Mitzvah of Tzizit. We do not pay attention to the messages that God gives us.

The defining moment in Moshe’s life was when he turned to see the burning bush ; “And God saw that he turned to see, and the Lord called to him. .” It was Moshe’s turning that was the final step before Hashem spoke to him. The word used is סר.

The same word is used when Hashem told Moshe that the Jews had sinned with the Golden Calf. ”סרו מהר מן הדרך אשר צוימם“ , “They have turned quickly from the path that I have commended them.” These people who were at the highest level that human beings could reach, turned, as had Moshe. Instead of turning towards God, they turned away from Him. At the moment they were to receive the most wonderful gifts , they turned away and lost everything; The Luchot, their crowns, their glory, and their freedom.

Those who turn to look can receive the most wonderful gifts. Those who turn away can lose everything. We can work at something a long time and give up just before we succeed.

So much of what we lose is because we refuse to turn and look and study and daven and create a stronger relationship with God through a higher awareness. סָרַֽרְנוּ, we have turned away from the opportunities You have given us, and we have lost what could have been ours. We did not turn to You as Moshe did at the Burning Bush.

Reb Nachman of Breslov taught; “The eyes are constantly exposed to the most amazing sights. Were a person to purify his eyes sufficiently, he would be able to see many wondrous things based solely on what he views with his eyes. Things pass before one’s eyes so quickly, however, that there isn’t time to focus upon and grasp all that one sees…Yet someone who is worthy can attain a higher level of sight and find himself able to glimpse exceedingly great wonders all around him. Because most people’s eyes are not pure, they cannot focus properly, which precludes their seeing these wondrous, amazing sights.” סָרַֽרְנו, we have not purified our eyes.

The Gemara teaches that the size of the Torah is 3,200 times larger than the world . Yet can cover your eye with your pinky and effectively block out this great light. A pinky can block a man’s vision so completely that he cannot see something vastly greater . סָרַֽרְנו, we have allowed unimportant things to block our vision of the world and Torah.

(See Rashi Haazinu D”H Lo Aimun Bam)
עָוִֽינוּ:

We have sinned intentionally. We have sinned simply to satisfy base desires . We are guilty in front of you . We have made our souls sick . We have brought punishments upon ourselves , both in this world and in Olam Habah . I have twisted that which was good and turned it into bad ; The prime example of עון is the sin of Kayin. It was Kayin’s idea to bring a Korban. It was Kayin who had to work the land against the curse, and he still wanted to give of his work to God. He failed. Even when Hashem asked him to fix his korban, after Hashem told him that he could rule over Hevel, he continued to fall, until he killed Hevel. ”גדול עוני מנשא“, “My sin/עון is too great for me to bear. Kayin’s sin did not begin with the murder of Hevel. It didn’t even begin when he ignored God’s call to fix his Korban. Kayin fell as he was reaching high for a relationship with Hashem by bringing a gift, but doing it without his whole heart.

עָוִֽינוּ our sins have repricussions on others . We have sinned in secret fully aware that what I am doing is wrong. We were only concerned with other people knowing that we are sinning. We did not care that God knew. We have lived our lives confused, torn between different desires and goals , not fully present in our learning, davening or mitzvah observance.

When we speak about not being fully present in our lives, it is important to consider how Reb Shlomo Wolbe explains why the gemara compares going into a rage to idol worship. When someone is in a rage they act in a way that is strange even to themselves. They don’t recognize themselves in their behavior. They are strangers/זרה even to themselves. He continues and says that any time we function as strangers to ourselves there is this element of זרה. If we are acting in a manner that is not the way we believe we really are we are acting as strangers. If we learn or daven and we feel “strange” then this element of זרה exists as well.

פָּשַֽׁעְנוּ:

We have acted carelessly with Halachah and with others. We have denied some or all of the Mitzvot. We have sinned in order to displease God . We have rebelled against you as our king . We have acted dishonestly . We did not always put on our Tefillin .

The Torah says , “In every question of dishonesty whether it involves an ox…one who sends his hand against the work of his friend…and the owner shall approach the Beit Din/האלקים.” The Daat Zekeinim M’Baalei Tosafot have a number of astounding readings of the word פשע in the verse; A) Moshe who broke the Luchot that were entrusted to his care had to approach God again to fix what he had broken, and to pray for the Jewish People. B) The פשע was that of Aharon for making the Golden Calf. C) The פשע of the Jewish People for delaying the coming of the Moshiach. D) The פשע of the other nations for saying that the Moshiach will never come. E) פשע refers to losing something.

Each one of these explanations of פשע has implications for us as we say פָּשַֽׁעְנוּ; If it refers to Moshe, פשע must mean any type of harm. Moshe “harmed” God’s Luchot, and by breaking them made the sin of the Jews greater, and so he harmed them as well. פשע would include harming that which is God’s in the world, which means everything. We have used His gifts to us in destructive ways; our mouths for Loshon Harah etc. Even though Moshe did what was necessary, it still caused harm. There are times when we must do something, for the right reasons and someone gets hurt. We must fix what we have done. As long as we haven’t we have פשע.

If פשע refers to Aharon, it includes even those things we did out of love for Bnei Yisrael, if it in any way damaged them.

If פשע refers to delaying redemption it would include anything our tradition tells us delays the coming of the Moshiach. For example, the Semag says that as long as we behave in such a way that the nations say that we are no more deserving of redemption than others, we are delaying redemption. If there is Sinat Chinam, unfounded hatred between us, we are delaying redemption .

If פשע refers to the nations of the world, it would mean that when ever we feel that the Moshiach is not going to come, we have פשע. When we fail to believe in the ultimate perfection of the world, or that God’s experiment with this world has failed, we are denying the Moshiach . If פשע means to lose something, פָשַענו would include opportunities lost, learning forgotten, and achievments lost.

We are one step away from doing Teshuvah, and we remain there without taking that step. Those with פשע are always the symbol os people just one step awau from positive change. We accept the sacrifices of פושעי ישראל . Moshe asked for compassion on the פושעי ישראל that they should be helped in doing Teshuvah. Every prayer on a fast day must include the פושעי ישראל . Those with פשע are only one step away from Teshuvah, and therefore must be included so that they will be pulled back to Hashem.

This is also what the Midrash means when it says that, “Fortunate is one who is larger than his פשע, and his פשעis not larger than he.” When the one step is too large for the person, it is “larger than he.” If he is willing to take the step, than he, is larger than it. When we say פָשַענו are saying that we have allowed the step towards God and Teshuvah to be larger than we are.

There is פשע in Mitzvot too. If a non-observant person is eating in my home and I see him about to eat without washing, and I yell, “No! No! You can’t do that.” embarassing him, I have set him up to sin. The next time he sits down to eat, the one thing he won’t do is wash. This is called “Putting a stumbling block in front of a blind person. ” The long term effect of my mitzvah of not letting him eat without washing, will be an avaeira; he will definitely eat without washing, if he ever visits an observant home again. This type of “mitzvah” is called פשע too.

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כִּזַּֽבְנוּ:

We have lied for a purpose or for none . We have made promises that we haven’t kept , including promises to ourselves to work on ourselves . We have not provided full disclosure . We have been negative about the hopes of others . We deceive at times when necessary , and we need forgiveness even for that. We acknowledge that even such “lies” damage our spiritual well being. We have broken good patterns of behavior , even when we have felt God’s hand guiding us . We have made commitments to things which we weren’t sure we could follow through , such as relationships in which we are too frightened to say what we really want to say, or, in which we are not really interested but we are hesitant to tell the other party.

In Melachim we read the story of the hostess of Elisha who was childless. Elisha made her a promise that she would have a son, to which she responded, “No, my lord, O man of God, do not fail/אל תכזב your maidservant. ” She knew that Elisha was holy. She knew he was a navi. Obviously, she didn’t think he was lying. What did she mean when she said, ”אל תכזב“? She suspected that she would have the son for a short time only, to embrace him and thereby experience short lived happiness . The word כזב is used to mean, “Don’t give me false hopes. Don’t give me something that is only temporary.” Every time we give someone false hope we fall under the rubric of כִּזַּֽבְנוּ. Every time we begin a relationship only to end it after a time we fall into כִּזַּֽבְנוּ. Such false starts damage our spiritual development. We will make false starts in this area as well. Eventually we will lose trust in ourselves, especially our Teshuvah.

לַֽצְנוּ:

We have laughed at important things, beginning the process of sin , and bringing destruction to ourselves and the world . We refuse to accept Tochachah . We have laughed at other people . We have used valuable time to joke around . We have forfeited our learning to stupidities . We have laughed at God’s role in the world, challenging the idea of Hashgacha Pratis . By doing all these things we have weakened our connection to Olam Habah and Hashem. We laugh at those who sin, confident that we would not make the same mistake, thereby opening ourselves up to that very sin . We have made light of the possibility that we could become scholars . We doubt our ability to make a difference, thereby weakening our willingness to shoulder important responsibilities. We have made ourselves despised by God by not taking things more seriously. We make unimportant things important, such as insults, losing sight of what is really important. We are unwilling to work harder at Davening, learning and Mitzvot. We spend time with people who are destructive influences . We are willing to sit silently while others mock important people and values .

The Gemara speaks of the sins of Sodom in terms of their ליצנות; Whoever owned one animal had to shepherd the city’s flocks for one day. Whoever had no animals had to shepherd for two days. Whoever used the bridge into the city had to pay a toll. Whoever crossed without the bridge had to pay double. The judges in Sodom were called, Liar, Forger, Dishonest , and Joker. This city, known for its evil, is described as a city of ליצנות. The most devastating destruction of a group of people was the destruction of Sodom, the city of ליצנים. We destroy all that is meaningful and important with all the different forms of ליצנות.

מָרַֽדְנוּ:

We know that Hashem exists, but we intend at times to rebel against Him or against His Mitzvot . We committed Aveirot not out of passion, but simply because we didn’t believe in that Mitzvah . We are not as careful in observing the Mitzvot D’Rabbanan, such as washing before eating, or making berachot . We participate in arguments that set Jews against each other . We are casual with certain Mitzvot, beginning a process of rebelling against Hashem without realizing what we are doing ; When we say, “It’s almost six hours. We can eat dairy,” or when we are not careful with Hashgachos, or when we are not careful with saying Krias Shma, or when we talk during Davening. We decide what we are allowed to do or not, without asking a Halachic question . We reject what a Talmid Chacham says about a given situation, simply because we don’t like what he says . By acting in these ways we make it more difficult for us to do Teshuvah .

נִאַֽצְנוּ:

We have angered God . We have despised the fear of God , and Tochachah We have disgraced God . We refuse to keep certain Mitzvot even though we believe in God and that He wants us to keep these commandments . We have misused certain objects for the fulfillment of Mitzvot, such as a stolen Lulav . We compromise when we shouldn’t , such as in a debate with one attacking the Torah. We accomodate Torah to society, rather than vice versa. We have made Torah and Mitzvot appear in a bad light to other people . We joke around even when doing something important such as when we are learning, therby angering God. We act inappropriately at a Shabbat table, thereby doing the same. We do not respect the Mitzvot we are performing, such as the way we make a bracha or daven. We do not remember that the mitzvot can be performed in a way that will last eternally. We believe that we can function without Hashgacha Pratis . We have not worked to be clean of bad traits and sins , thereby preventing what we learn and the Mitzvot we do from penetrating and nourishing our souls .

(see Rashi, Haazinu D”H Teshi)

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חָמַֽסְנוּ

:

We have forced others to do what they don’t want to do, including selling something they don’t want to sell . We cut people off from their desires, from Hashem , by complaining about them to Him, and by depriving them of what He has given them . We insinuate accusations without openly accusing others, thereby robbing them of their reputations . We are willing participants in groups that function with the rejection of one Halachah or another . We use God’s world in ways He does not want it to be used.

The generation most noted for its חמס was that of the flood. The Midrash says that when a man brought out a basket full of fruit to sell, one would come and sieze less than a penny’s worth and then everyone would come and steal less than a penny’s worth. The victim would have nothing left, not even recourse to the law, since no one stole more than a penny’s worth. The structure of the man’s world was being attacked. The law could do nothing for him. Society had no way to protect him. This is also true of forcing someone to agree to something he doesn’t really want to do. Once he has agreed there is nothing he can do, but he didn’t want to agree. This would include forcing a spouse, a friend, or a sibling through intimidation, and then saying, “But you agreed!”

טַָפַֽלְנוּ שֶֽׁקֶר:

We have accused falsely . We have made God secondary to falsehood by sinning in general, and more specifically, by lying willingly and ignoring God’s will. We have piled on one lie on top of another in order to support our first lie , . We are unwilling to overlook any shortcomings or mistakes in others, especially enemies . We have joined together with groups of people who do evil and falsehood .

Yechezkail Hanavi spoke against the false prophets who were saying only what the people wanted to hear, and were not pushing them to change and do Teshuvah . “Therefore thus says God, the Lord; I will even rend it (the wall around Yerushalayim ) with a stormy wind in my fury…Thus will I spend my wrath upon the wall, and upon those who have daubed it with whitewash/“אשר טחתם תפל“ . Just as a wall that is covered over with thick whitewash doesn’t show its weak points, so too the lies of these false prophets covered over the weaknesses of the people and Yerushalayim. The word תפל/טפל here means to pile on the falsehoods so that it becomes impossible to see the truth and what is necessary to change.

We have made ourselves less than what we could have been. The Gemara says that there are four groups of people who will not merit to receive the Shechinah, including those who lie. The Mabit says that even if they do Teshuvah they will not receive the Shechinah in Olam Habah. They will be limited to the pleasures of Olam Habah without a direct connection to the Divine Presence.

In Melachim we read the story of Achav and Navot. Achav, the king of the Ten Tribes, wanted Navot’s vineyard, which Navot refused to sell because it had been in his family for generations. Achav was desperate to get the vineyard, so his wife, Izevel, had Navot framed for cursing God, and then had him executed. A while later Achav wanted Yehoshafat the king of Yehudah and Binyamin, to join him in battle to recapture Ramot from the king of Aram. Yehoshafat wanted to join, but first wanted to hear from a navi whether they should go into battle or not. Tzidkiyah ben Kenaana, who wanted to be a true prophet , received a “vision” which he understood to mean to tell Achav to go into battle. However, when Michayahu ben Yimla came, he explained the misunderstood vision of Tzidkiyah, and he said; “I saw God sitting on his throne, and all the host of heaven standing by Him on His right hand, and on His left. And God said, ‘Who will entice Achav, that he may go up and fall at Ramot-gilad?’ …And there came forth a spirit, and said, ‘I will go out, and I will be a lying spirit in the mouth of all his prophets.’…And He said, ‘You will persuade him, and prevail also; go out, and do so.’” Who was this spirit that tricked Achav? Navot . Why did God say “go out?” Because the spirit of Navot would lie, it would not be allowed to come back. Navot was fulfilling the will of God. He had the full right to want to destroy Achav. Yet, he lost his place in front of God for lying. When we lie we make ourselves טפל/less than we could be. We lose ultimate meaning. We are no longer the עיקר/primary creation , for we have lost part of our connection to God in Olam Habah.

יָעַֽצְנוּ רָע:

We have given advice that was good for us but bad for the one asking . We have given advice without paying adequate attention to what it was the asker really needed . We have given advice that made the recepient look foolish in the eyes of others. We have advised based on how we view the world, not as the other needed . We have determined in our minds to do an Aveira . We have voiced opinions on issues about which we were not well informed. We acted in a way that would set an example for others even if we didn’t mean for it to be followed.

When the Jews were contemplating splitting the kingdom away from the family of David Hamelech, they first confronted Rechavam, the son of Shlomo . They explained that Shlomo had been too rough, and they asked him to lower their taxes and work load. Rechavam asked for three days to think over the situation. He first consulted with the older men who had been the advisors of his father. “If you will be a servant to this people this day, and will serve them and answer them, and speak good words of them, then they will be your servants forever,” was the advice he received. His contemporaries told him to answer, “My little finger shall be thicker than my father’s loins…I will add to your yoke.” Rechavam followed the advice of the younger men. The kingdom split. This idea is developed by the Vilna Gaon who says that one of the three primary reasons that the exile has been so painful is that we are advised by corrupt leaders . The effects of bad advice on our history has been devastating. We contribute to that tragedy every time we give “bad” advice.

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I have asked the Lord for one thing –
this is what I desire!
I want to live in the Lord’s house all the days of my life,
so I can gaze at the splendor of the Lord
and contemplate in his temple. (Verse 4)

People do not actually love money for money does not love us. It quickly moves from one person to another. A person desires money, and because of that he will never have enough. (Rabbi Meir M’Apta)

King David is not describing a desire that can never be satisfied. He is not speaking of something that will not give him a sense of being loved. He can say with confidence that “this is what I desire” and always will, because when we have the opportunity to “gaze at the splendor of the Lord and contemplate in his temple” we will experience God’s love for us.

The deep commitment and love that God has for us is expressed in the judgment of Rosh Hashana, when He declares that we, and all we do, is important to Him. We experience God’s love on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, and we can know that the desires we share with David, will definitely give us a sense of satisfaction and pleasure.

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דִּבַּֽרְנוּ דֹֽפִי

:
We have used the same mouth that we use for Torah and Tefillah for speaking evil, for slander, for insult and to push God and others away, and by doing so have degraded the Torah , and have damaged our ability to daven and learn. We say one thing and mean another, or will say certain things about others only behind their backs . We find what is negative to say, rather than what is positive, thereby affecting our attitude toward everything else .

In Sefer Melachim we read the story of a desperate woman coming to see Elisha Hanavi and falling at his feet to cry over her son who had just died. When Gechazi, Elisha’s student, saw her he pushed her away/לְהָדְפָה from his master. Although he had spent so much time studying with Elisha, Gechazi had not emulated his rebbi’s midos . He was protecting the dignity of his rebbi, but he had not discerned that not all occasions are equal . He intentionally pushed her by her breasts .

Gechazi was very great in Torah , yet he had not incorporated what he had learned, and he had not learned to make judgments as to when a Halachah applied or not. This led him to דוֹפִי, to totally inappropriate behavior with any woman let alone one so distraught. His lack of midos and his inability to apply Halachah to given situations, allowed him to use Halachah in a totally improper form. The Navi uses the word דופי to describe his act to tell us that not incorporating midos development in one’s learning, and not using judgment in applying Halachah can lead to דוֹפִי.

One who learns Torah with a cynical attitude and treats it lightly is called one who speaks דוֹפִי . In the same vein דִּבַּֽרְנוּ דֹֽפִי also includes speaking words of Kedusha without fusing them into our behavior, and without learning them well enough to appreciate when and how to apply them.

הֶעֱוִֽינוּ:
We have corrupted ourselves , others , and have turned good into bad . We have complained that our good actions have not benefited us enough . We reject the idea that painful things that happen to us could actually be good for us. We pervert our learning and Mitzvot by focusing only on ourselves and forgetting our connection to God.

The most powerful story of such corruption is the story of Yeravam Ben Nevat , the first king of the Ten Tribes. He was appointed by Achiyah Hashiloni , one of the greatest neviim. When the two of them met the grass of the field burned in the fire of their Torah . Yeravam was considered so great that when he first became king he gathered all the teachers and leaders of the Ten Tribes and easily convinced them by virtue of his character and learning, to sign a document stating that even if Yeravam were to ask them to serve Avodah Zarah they would listen . This same great Yeravam is the one who introduced idol worship to the people and corrupted them for generations. He is the prime example of חוֹטֵא ומַחֲטִיא אֶת הָרַבִים, one who sins and causes others to sin, of whom the Rambam writes that God does not give them the ability to do Teshuva.

In fact, many of the biggest רשעים, wicked people, in Tanach were also the greatest scholars. Doeg Haadomi , Gechazi , Menashe were all considered to be great scholars with great potential, who corrupted their lives and caused others to suffer.

The Zohar understands this drastic turn around from good to evil as the absence of God in their learning and lives. Even total immersion in Torah and Mitzvot can be without a real commitment to God which is the ultimate perversion of good .

וְהִרְשַֽׁעְנוּ:

We have treated the righteous as being evil . We assume the worst of others’ motivations, refusing to give them the benefit of the doubt, and by so doing bring evil to the world , and find cause to speak Lashon Harah . We accept Lashon Harah about others. We refuse to believe that we can control our Yetzer Harah, insisting that certain actions are a part of our nature . We have caused others to become רשעים .

Based on a pasuk in Mishlei , Rabbeinu Yonah says that it is the way of the righteous to praise and honor men for every good quality that is found in them, while the wicked seek out a man’s faults and errors in order to lower him, although he may have forsaken his disreputable deeds and repented . The truth is that we don’t only do this to others. We do it to ourselves. We focus on our faults tearings ourselves down. We question our motivation for Torah, Mitzvot and Tefillah so that we can look at ourselves as “not so good.”

We are obligated to judge others favorably . One who judges others favorably will be so judged by God . One who suspects the innocent will be stricken in his body .

It is interesting to note that one who has suspected the innocent must appease them and give them a Brachah if he wants to protect himself from being stricken. We find this in the story of Eli who suspected Channah of being drunk . The Berachah undoes the damage done by the suspicion. We can infer that damage was done, otherwise the appeasment should be sufficient.

We find another story of the damage done when one is willing to believe the worst about someone else; David Hamelech had to run away from Yerushalayim because of the rebellion of his son Avshalom . He had no idea who were his friends, and who, his enemies. He paid careful attention to who came with him as he was running and who stayed behind. The most painful realization was when he realized that Yehonatan’s son Mefiboshes, whom David had fed at his own table, clothed and cared for , had stayed behind in Yerushalayim. He had reason to suspect that Mefiboshes was unable to run with David because Mefiboshes was a cripple. Which happened to be true. However, Tzivah, the servant of Mefiboshes, lied to David and told him the Mefiboshes had stayed behind in Yerushalyim hoping that the kingdom would be restored to the family of Shaul, and that he, Mefiboshes, would become the king. David was furious, and he confiscated all that belonged to Mefiboshes and gave it to Tzivah for his support.

When the war was over and David was returning to Yerushalyim, Mefiboshes came to greet him. Mefiboshes had not dressed his wounded feet, nor trimmed his bear, nor washed his clothes from the day the king departed until the day he returned. It was obvious that Mefiboshes had mourned over the suffering of the king. He even told the king that Tzivah had tricked him, and left without him, and had slandered him to David.

Even though we would expect David to restore all of the property of Mefiboshes to its rightful owner, and to punish Tzivah for his lies and slander, David did not. “You and Tzivah shall divide your estate.” To which Mefiboshes”Let him even take all, seeing that my lord the king has come back to his home in peace.” What more did David need to convince him of the sincerity of Mefiboshes’ love and devotion. Yet, he remained unconvinced . At that moment God said, “Just as you split the estate of Mefiboshes, so I will split your kingdom .”

Once David accepted the Lashon Harah of Tzivah, it became almost impossible for him to change his mind about Mefiboshes. Once he considered Mefiboshes a rasha it he couldn’t get the suspicion out of his mind. The effects of Lashon Harah are insidious and devastating.

זַֽדְנוּ:

We have sinned deliberately . We have become evil in our hearts , looking for ways and means to argue against things we know to be good . We have allowed ourselves to forget our learning causing us to sin . We have made Halachic decisions without adequate information . We have treated certain Mitzvot lightly until we lost our awareness of them . We have repeated certain sins until we forgot that they were sins . We refuse to listen to those who know more than we do . We have sinned in anger , arrogance and with a casual attitude .

In the story of David Hamelech and Golius we have some very powerful indications of the stategies of the Yetzer Harah ; The Jews and the Pelishtim were gathered to fight each other in a major war. Golius, the giant, stepped out to speak to the Jewish army. “Why should we have a terrible battle in which thousands will certainly die? Why don’t you send your best soldier to fight me, and if he wins the Pelishtim will surrender to you. If I win, you will have to surrender to us. I don’t believe that you will be too frightened to fight me just because I am the one who captured the Aron in our last battle .” Golius was trying to intimidate them not only with his sheer size, but also by reminding them of earlier defeats. He was also lying to them; the Pelishtim never considered the possibility of Golius losing, and therefore never intended to surrender if he lost. Golius was also trying to set the terms of the debate; why should the Jews possibly agree to such ludicrous terms? Just because the Pelishtim had a super warrior didn’t mean that if the Jews didn’t have a similar soldier they should surrender. Why couldn’t the Jews send two, or three or even four men to fight Golius? Unfortunately, his strategy worked. The Jews accepted his terms and were definitely intimidated. Even the fact that Golius would harass them whenever they davened Shma didn’t get them angry enough to fight!

When David came to visit his brothers and asked what was going on, his oldest brother, Eliav, yelled at him saying, “Why did you come down here?…I know your insolence/זְְדֹנְךָ …led you to come to the battle?” Eliav assumed that David had come to earn people’s respect for when he would be king .

Eliav’s anger can be understood as a result of the stress of the situation. He saw in David what was going on in his own mind ; a chance for fame and fortune. If he saw זדון in David, it was because he was בזדון. We also find Eliav acting the same as Golius; he was trying to intimidate his younger brother and was setting the terms of the debate! Whatever strategies Golius was using should also be understood as זדון. Intimidation by size and previous victories, lying and setting the terms of the debate are all part of זדון.

When we feel that we have faillen to the Yetzer Harah so many times before that we couldn’t possibly withstand him now, that is זדון. When we say that our Teshuvah of previous years didn’t last, and therefore this year’s Teshuvah can’t last, that is זדון. When we lie to ourselves or to others in order to get our way, that is זדון . When we arbitrarily set the terms of a debate, again, within ourselves or with other people, that is also זדון. Imagine what would have happened if David had allowed Eliav to succeed!

The Yetzer Harah is the biggest מזיד, master strategist. When we say זדנו we must remember that we are describing our Yetzer Harah at work. This is why the Gemara says that if not for God’s help we would not be able to withstand the Yetzer Harah. The Gra explains that only when we understand that we can’t win without God’s help will God help us . Therefore, not asking for God’s help in fighting the Yetzer Harah is also included in זדנו.

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There are two basic goals that we must keep in mind when reciting the confessions; One that we are aware of all our sins, and the other that we understand what inside of us allows us to fall in these ways and so often. We are looking for the illness, not just the symptoms . This is why we say two confessions in the Yom Kippur Shmone Esrei; Ashamnu Bogadnu and Al Cheyt. The former is a more general confession, the latter is more specific. However, even the Al Cheyts cover all conceivable mistakes. The purpose of the Ashamnu confession is to focus on causes and effects of chataim rather than a list of the Aveirot themselves.

אָשַֽׁמְנוּ:
We have been destructive , damaging ourselves spiritually , not even necessarily aware of the damage we have caused ourselves , and in so doing have made it difficult to change and improve ourselves.

The consequences of a sin are refered to as its אשם, as in Avimelech saying to Yitzchak , who lied about his relationship with Rivka because of his suspicions regarding Avimelech, “And you would have brought a sin/אשם/punishment against us.” The אשם sin leads directly to its consequence. Its fruit are punishment. It creates destructive forces.

Yosef’’s brothers also refered to the destructive effects of a sin as אשם. When they were told that Yosef would hold one brother in Egypt until the others returned with Binyamin, they said, “Truly, we are guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul, when he cried out to us, and we would not hear.” According to the Radak on this story, this verse is the source of the concept; “One who is suffering should search his deeds for the reason.” This would only be true if there is an element of אשם in every sin; If whenever a person suffers he should look for the reason hinted to by his suffering , and suffering directly related to a sin is אשם, then every sin must contain some אשם! When we say אָשַֽׁמְנוּ we are acknowledging that every one of our sins has been destructive and has consequences.

(It is important to note that there are important differences between punishments and consequences. Death was a consequence of eating from the Tree of Knowledge. Working the land by the sweat of our brow was a punishment.)

In the Book of Ezra we find another dimension to Asham. The Beit Hamikdash had begun to be rebuilt, a large group of Jews returning from Bavel had survived attacks from enemies and things seemed to be going well. At this point leaders of the people came to Ezra and told him that, “The people of Israel, and the Kohanim, and the Leviim, have not separated themselves from the peoples of the lands…Fot they have taken of their daughters for themselves and for their sons…indeed, the hand of the princes and rulers has been chief in this crime.” At this point Ezra is crushed; “And when I heard this thing, I rent my garment and my mantle, and plucked off the hair of my head and my beard, and sat down appalled…I fell upon my knees, and spread out my hands to God, my Lord, and said, ‘O my Lord, I am ashamed and blush to lift up my face to You..for our iniquitiesare increased over our head, and our guilt/ואשמתנו has mounted to the heavens. Since the days of our fathers we have been exceedingly guilty/באשמה גדלה to this day…”

As Ezra continues it becomes obvious that he feels that no matter how much they have succeeded up to this point, they could not possibly overcome their guilt/אשם, and continue to succeed. The effects of an אשם are so devastating that they can undo accomplishments and prevent further success. When we say אָשַֽׁמְנוּ we are saying that our sins are limiting our growth and can undo even what we have already accomplished.

בָּגַֽדְנוּ:

We have been deceitful , and have betrayed ourselves , and in so doing have broken away from our true selves .

When a man buys a Jewsih girl from her father the purchase money is actually an act similar to Kiddushin, or engagement, because the assumption is that the master will marry the girl when she comes of age. If he does not intend to marry her he is called a בוֹגֵד, one who has dealt deceitfully with her, and he has broken the link between himself and the woman.

The Vilna Gaon says that a בוֹגֵד is one who leads someone to believe something, only to dissappoint him. The worst of all בוֹגְדִים is the Yetzer Harah who promises all sorts of wonderful things to someone in order to induce him to sin. He often promises mitzvot, such as, “You will have plenty of time to learn Torah later.” Later on the Yetzer Harah will criticise the man and make him feel guilty for not learning, using the guilt to hurt himself.

We even find that the Yetzer Harah is called a בוֹגֵד when he induces people to reach so high in their spiritual lives that it is impossible for them not to fall. In one of the battles that Shaul led against the Pelishtim he swore that no one should eat until the enemy had been defeated. The king put his people in a terrible situation because they were exhausted from battle, and they needed to eat. In fact, in הלכה there are fewer strictures than at other times, not more. He pushed his people too hard in order to deserve and to acknowledge God’s help in their miraculous victory. At first, they held to Shaul’s oath. Yonatan, the king’s son, who was unaware of his father’s oath pushed everyone to eat. They did, but only after sanctifying their animals as sacrifices, in order to maintain their great spiritual heights , and they ended up eating the animals before the blood was thrown on the Mizbeach. They were pushed to great heights, only to sin a terrible sin. This is seen as the work of the Yetzer Harah . When Shaul learns of their sin he calls them בוגדים, not only because they were sinning after God had granted such a great victory , but also because their push to live at too high a level caused them to sin.

When we say בָּגַֽדְנוּ we are also acknowledging that at times we push ourselves so hard that we cause ourselves to fall. This too is related to not being true to our selves.

(see שערי תשובה דף לז עג על נרגן)
גָּזַֽלְנוּ:
We have taken that which has belonged to others and caused ourselves to lose what is ours.

While most of us would say that we would never take something that belongs to someone else, we are probably still guilty of stealing. For example, convincing someone to buy something from that they really don’t want or need , eating at the home of someone who can’t afford to host us ,going against the wishes of a host , tricking someone, depriving them of sleep, preventing them from learning, denying them the honor they deserve, or even taking away their privacy.

When people come home to find themselves robbed they feel violated, as do all the people who lose something precious such as sleep etc. Just think about how people feel when someone cuts them off on the highway. Causing someone to feel violated in such a way is causing them to lose part of their life . We are so casual about our interactions that it is impossible not to deprive people of something at different times. Even the chance to speak, or daven. Such insensitivity causes us to lose part of ourselves; Our Tefilot lose their effectiveness . Famine comes to the world . We lose some of our connection to Hashem . We forfeit our awareness of what belongs to whom. Eating without a Brachah is like stealing from Hashem and the Jewish people .

The Gemara even considers the urge to steal similar to the urge for adultery . We have a basic urge to take and make the world our own. God is the Adon HaKol, the Master of Everything, the Konei HaKol, the owner of everything. When we take something that is not ours we are, to one degree or another, rejecting God’s Adnut . Any time that we insist on indulging ourselves, against God’s wishes, we are being gazlanim, we are using God’s world without His permission.

In Gazalnu we are acknowledging our misuse of God’s world, and of that which belongs to others.

There are two types of Yetzer Harah; the one fights openly. The other hides until the person is unaware of his presence. It lulls the person to sleep so that he is not ready to fight his Yetzer Harah. The name of this form of the Evil Inclination is צפוני , or the one who hides. This yetzer is the biggest thief of all . גזלנו includes those times that we are caught napping, when we allow our spiritual senses to be dulled.

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I was putting the final touches on my first Yom Kippur sermon in my new synagogue. I wanted to begin with an acknowledgment that I hurt people even though I had only been there for a month or two, and I wanted people to learn to ask for forgiveness. I was writing, “Request for Mechilah – forgiveness – on my notes and the phone rang.

A friend was calling: “Rabbi, it is the custom that the rabbi begin his Yom Kippur sermon by asking everyone in the congregation for forgiveness.” I thanked him and hung up. I stared at my sermon notes, wondering what to do. When I decided to ask for Mechilah it came from my heart. I wasn’t going to do it because it was the custom of my predecessors. My friend had put me in a difficult position. I did not want my congregation to think that a request for forgiveness was only pro-forma. I wanted them to believe it was real. What was I to do?

Eighteen years later, just one of many congregants, I privately corrected the rabbi for an Halachic error. He thanked me and easily acknowledged that he was unfamiliar with those laws. I was so impressed by his natural willingness to recognize the gaps in his knowledge that I told the story at my Shabbat table.

My intentions were to praise him, and yet, the story included that he did not know certain Halachot. I had spoken Avak Lishon Harah – the dust of Lishon Harah about him. I immediately went to his home to ask his forgiveness. “Rabbi, I came to ask for forgiveness for…” and before I could finish my sentence, he said, “I forgive you.”

It was a strange experience. I did not feel that I had successfully repaired anything. He responded before I could even generally describe my sin against him. It was my problem, not his. It was another experience that confused me about the process of asking for forgiveness before Yom Kippur. People treat it as pro forma that everyone will forgive them. I always wonder how seriously people desire forgiveness, meaning to repair their relationship with me and how much they simply want to assuage their own guilt.

Yesterday, one of my children, who has not spoken to me in more than two years, called to wish me a Shana Tova – a Good Year. “Thank you.” “You sound confused.” “I am happily surprised to hear from you.”

“I have nothing to explain to you.”

My child spoke and I appreciated the pre-Yom Kippur “Please forgive me” ceremony in a new way: When my child insisted that there was nothing to explain, the child was saying that there was nothing to fix. When we observe the pre-Yom Kippur “Please forgive me” ceremony we are acknowledging that there is something to repair.

Had my child made that simple acknowledgment, my child would have healed more than two years of torture and suffering. “I have nothing to explain to you”, only made it worse.

So, I openly acknowledge that I have much to repair in many relationships. There are the calls I haven’t returned in a timely fashion, if at all. There are times I am not available to help. I may speak sharply when teaching or answering a question. I am often impatient.

Please know that I understand that I have much to repair and I want to fix all I humanly can. So, please forgive me.

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Once upon a time there was a young and very hungry fox. He loved to kill and eat sheep. He would dart out of the forest a few times each day to visit one farm after another and grab a sheep. The local farmers were furious, and decided to band together and rid the forest of all the foxes. The great chief of the pack, an ancient fox, desperate to prevent a massacre, met with the farmers and promised to deal with the young killer.

The youngster realized the evil of his ways and begged his great chief to guide him in Teshuva – Repentance. So, the old fox began to teach him how to change his ways. As they began to work together, the young fox noticed a nice fat sheep wandering just at the edge of the forest. He began to salivate and asked his teacher, “Can we do this Teshuva quickly? I have something else to do!” The fox chief took care of the farmers’ business. (Sefer HaTeshuva of the Meiri)

Although we appreciate the opportunity to repair our relationship with God, many of us can’t wait until our normal lives resume. These days demand effort, attention and awareness. Our lives over the next month will constantly switch back and forth between Holyday and weekday. We too, see the fat sheep just outside the forest, and part of us says, “Can we do this quickly?”

The Meiri urges us to remember that our glance outside the forest, to the days immediately following the Days of Awe, reflects on the quality of our Teshuva.

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“It is as difficult for God to provide for all our immediate needs as it was for Him to split the Sea.” (Pesachim 118a)

Just as the Splitting of the Sea was a miracle of the totally unexpected, so too, our needs are provided from a place that is completely hidden and unforeseen. (The Chozeh of Lublin)

We face the coming year with a sense of mystery: Who knows what to expect? We focus on the verses of Zichronot – Timeless Connections – in order to recall how we have always survived on the unanticipated and startling surprises sent by God.

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