“Then Moses set aside three cities on the bank of the Jordan toward the rising sun, for a murderer to flee there, who will have killed his fellow without knowledge, but who was not an enemy of his from yesterday and before yesterday.” (Deuteronomy 4:41-42)

Three cities were necessary for two and a half tribes, and only three for the nine and a half tribes on the other side of the Jordan. Moses knew that the separation from the Land across the Jordan would foster a more violent society.

And yet, we find that the two and a half tribes made a special effort to maintain their connection, as we learn from Joshua, Chapter 22:

9 And the children of Reuben and the children of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh returned, and departed from the children of Israel out of Shiloh, which is in the land of Canaan, to go unto the land of Gilead, to the land of their possession, whereof they were possessed, according to the commandment of the LORD by the hand of Moses. 10 And when they came unto the region about the Jordan, that is in the land of Canaan, the children of Reuben and the children of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh built there an altar by the Jordan, a great altar to look upon.

11 And the children of Israel heard say: ‘Behold, the children of Reuben and the children of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh have built an altar in the forefront of the land of Canaan, in the region about the Jordan, on the side that pertaineth to the children of Israel.’ 12 And when the children of Israel heard of it, the whole congregation of the children of Israel gathered themselves together at Shiloh, to go up against them to war. {P}

13 And the children of Israel sent unto the children of Reuben, and to the children of Gad, and to the half-tribe of Manasseh, into the land of Gilead, Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest; 14 and with him ten princes, one prince of a fathers’ house for each of the tribes of Israel; and they were every one of them head of their fathers’ houses among the thousands of Israel. 15 And they came unto the children of Reuben, and to the children of Gad, and to the half-tribe of Manasseh, unto the land of Gilead, and they spoke with them, saying: 16 ‘Thus saith the whole congregation of the LORD: What treachery is this that ye have committed against the God of Israel, to turn away this day from following the LORD, in that ye have builded you an altar, to rebel this day against the LORD? 17 Is the iniquity of Peor too little for us, from which we have not cleansed ourselves unto this day, although there came a plague upon the congregation of the LORD, 18 that ye must turn away this day from following the LORD? and it will be, seeing ye rebel to-day against the LORD, that to-morrow He will be wroth with the whole congregation of Israel. 19 Howbeit, if the land of your possession be unclean, then pass ye over unto the land of the possession of the LORD, wherein the LORD’S tabernacle dwelleth, and take possession among us; but rebel not against the LORD, nor rebel against us, in building you an altar besides the altar of the LORD our God. 20 Did not Achan the son of Zerah commit a trespass concerning the devoted thing, and wrath fell upon all the congregation of Israel? and that man perished not alone in his iniquity.’ {S}

21 Then the children of Reuben and the children of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh answered, and spoke unto the heads of the thousands of Israel: 22 ‘God, God, the LORD, God, God, the LORD, He knoweth, and Israel he shall know; if it be in rebellion, or if in treachery against the LORD–save Thou us not this day– 23 that we have built us an altar to turn away from following the LORD; or if to offer thereon burnt-offering or meal-offering, or if to offer sacrifices of peace-offerings thereon, let the LORD Himself require it; 24 and if we have not rather out of anxiety about a matter done this, saying: In time to come your children might speak unto our children, saying: What have ye to do with the LORD, the God of Israel? 25 for the LORD hath made the Jordan a border between us and you, ye children of Reuben and children of Gad; ye have no portion in the LORD; so might your children make our children cease from fearing the LORD. 26 Therefore we said: Let us now prepare to build us an altar, not for burnt-offering, nor for sacrifice; 27 but it shall be a witness between us and you, and between our generations after us, that we may do the service of the LORD before Him with our burnt-offerings, and with our sacrifices, and with our peace-offerings; that your children may not say to our children in time to come: Ye have no portion in the LORD. 28 Therefore said we: It shall be, when they so say to us or to our generations in time to come, that we shall say: Behold the pattern of the altar of the LORD, which our fathers made, not for burnt-offering, nor for sacrifice; but it is a witness between us and you. 29 Far be it from us that we should rebel against the LORD, and turn away this day from following the LORD, to build an altar for burnt-offering, for meal-offering, or for sacrifice, besides the altar of the LORD our God that is before His tabernacle.’ {P}

Unfortunately, all their efforts came to naught. Reuben, Gad, and half of Menashe, were the first tribes to be exiled and lose their connection to the Land and the nation. The separation that began when they chose to settle on the East bank of the Jordan, soon developed into a chasm. Their society did become more violent. The more violent society also had far more unintentional murders.

How interesting that Moshe chose a Mitzvah of separation, the Cities of Refuge, in which a murderer is separated from society, to point out the risks that Reuben and Gad were taking by choosing to settle on the other side of the Jordan! It is even more interesting that we take pride in being called, “Ivrim,” People from the other side, as in “Avraham HaIvri.”

The unintentional murderer is accepted with open arms into a nurturing community that will care for all his needs, physical, emotional and spiritual. He is not separated from others to live in his own world, but to relearn how to live as part of a healthy community. He is separated into a world of togetherness.

The two and a half tribes separated themselves from the people who were already ‘Ivrim,’ separate. They focused their efforts on remembering Jerusalem, not on building a community of togetherness with the other tribes, or even between themselves.

A connection with Jerusalem absent a connection with the people of Jerusalem, will soon disappear.

Whenever we make an effort to be ‘Ivrim,’ to separate, we must expend an even greater effort to unify with others who make a similar choice. We cannot afford a separtion beyond a separation. We begin to define ourselves by being different, and we end up standing alone.

Their altar was not the answer. It didn’t work. They should have paid attention to Moshe’s warnings.

Do we?

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Another powerful and timely message from Rabbi Daniel Lapin to help us consider the challenges of exile, and repairing relationships: “I need to start going home to Arizona each weekend,” the long-time campaign manager told the candidate, “but I’ll be back here in Idaho early Monday mornings.” The uneasy candidate responded, “Well, if I lose, it will be your fault.”

The engaged couple was discussing whether to set up home closer to his job or hers.  He preferred closer to his job which was also near friends. Her curt response: “Well fine, as long as you don’t get upset when I lose my job for tardiness.”

The sales professional disagreed with the corporate decision to bundle services in a new way. His manager insisted that this was the way it had to be. The salesman responded, “Well, it’ll be your responsibility if I fail to reach target.”

In each of these three examples, both parties mishandled the discussion. Both people forgot they were a team with one common goal.  Instead of finding a mutually agreed-upon solution when confronting a new situation, the encounters ended with a silly ultimatum and unhappy individuals.

These real-life examples could have been more successfully handled by following these five steps:

A: Form a bond of trust. (We are a team and we will find a solution that works for both of us)

B: Agree on objective (We need to win this election/We want the best place to live/We want to keep sales growing)

C: Depersonalize the conflict by recognizing that change triggered the problem (the campaign manager’s child was ill/two people uniting their lives/corporate decision)

D: Cooperate in discovering or creating at least three possible solutions.

E: Find agreement in a solution that both parties can own.

There are small changes in life and then there are drastic ones.

See this passage:

He (Abraham) proceeded on his journeys from the south to Bethel to the place where his tent had been at first…to the site of the altar which he had erected there at first…

Many translations suggest that the phrase “at first” is repeated in that passage. In reality, the original Hebrew text uses two quite separate words.  The first ‘at first’ is the Hebrew word TeCHiLaH while the second is the word RiSHoNaH.

This verse can help distinguish between the two Hebrew words.

And I will restore your judges like RiSHoNaH and your advisors like TeCHiLaH…

(Isaiah 1:26)

Israel’s first judge was Moses:

Moses sat to judge the people…

(Exodus 18:13)

Moses was a radical new paradigm. There never was a judge in Israel before him.  However, no one is highlighted as the pioneering advisor.

Why are these two different words used in our verse about Abraham? There was nothing groundbreaking about his first visit to Bethel so the text uses the weaker word TeCHiLaH.  However, “…to the site of the altar which he had erected there at first,” alludes to the very first altar constructed by Abraham (Genesis 12:7-9) Never before had Abraham built an altar to God.  It was a new paradigm, different from the altars which others built previously, thus the text uses the word RiSHoNaH.

So we see that ancient Jewish wisdom distinguishes between minor incidents and major developments.

What is the life lesson for us? We must differentiate between small changes and paradigm shifts. A campaign manager needing to spend nearly 30% of the week away from the battleground presents a major adjustment. Getting married is an enormous life change. A significant change in corporate policy is always momentous. Recognize that the change is precipitating the problem, not your partner. Don’t act as if the change is no big deal or pretend it doesn’t exist. Instead, solve it as a team, not as adversaries. For the relationship to thrive, recognize that you both win or lose together.

Practical lessons like these emerge from subtle language differences and other startling secrets which ancient Jewish wisdom reveals. Each of my five Biblical Blueprint audio CDs delves into Scripture and extracts concrete messages from God which will improve our lives. You or someone you love will be blessed by this set. It is always a good deal and for forty-eight hours it’s an even better one.

Thought Tools by Rabbi Daniel Lapin www.rabbidaniellapin.com

They have been married for so long that they don’t remember why they are fighting. They simply know that they are in an argument. There is no single specific issue. They fight. They stopped listening to each other many years ago. The only thing they do hear is criticism. There is no “reason” for them to argue other than their being so accustomed to fighting. That, I believe, is the definition of Sin’at Chinam, or, hatred for no reason. They are stuck in their argument and, when asked, admit that they cannot picture how to live with each other without arguing.

I spend a great deal of time working with people, many of whom are sinking in a quagmire of resentment and anger. People carry their anger for years, even after they have forgotten what provoked their anger. The hatred takes on a life of its own. That is Sin’at Chinam.

It is even more frustrating to observe people seeding such long-lasting resentments. One person phrases something in a poor manner, the other person is hurt, the first person is shocked that he provoked such a response and becomes so angry that he will say something hurtful and the conflict takes root. Neither one will recall exactly how the argument began, but it doesn’t matter; it takes on a life of its own. That is Sin’at Chinam.

I have often heard Rav Kook ZT”l quoted as saying, “The only way to repair Sin’at Chinam is Ahavat Chinam.” It seems that Rav Kook was focusing on the Sin’a, the hatred. I suggest that we focus instead on the Chinam, or ‘Free.’

People have difficulty acknowledging they pay a price for an argument. We pay a steep price even when we are 100% in the right. There is no Chinam – argument without a price – just as there is no Ahavah, or love without a price.

Love is not only experienced; it makes demands. Love demands patience, generosity, selflessness, understanding, empathy and much more. We make our first mistake when we think that either love or hate is Chinam – free, meaning that we do not pay a price.

When one person hears an insult he has a choice whether he is willing to ‘pay,’ meaning to invest effort in understanding what the other said or meant, or what the other was feeling that led him to speak the insult. When we are willing to ‘pay’ we will be able to find a solution.

However, if we focus on ‘Chinam,’ our desire to have love without having to pay, we will certainly be unwilling to ‘pay’ to repair a situation of Sin’a – hatred.

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A message about Sinat Chinam – Baseless Hatred, as we approach the Nine Days: Offered by Mel B.

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the warmth that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.

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A story is told of Rabbi Mattaih ben Cheresh who was wealthy, God-fearing, had a fine personality, ran to do mitzvot, tzedakah in particular, provided generously from all he owned for the benefit of the Sages, always had widows and orphans eating at his table, all his dealings with other people were honest, all his life he was involved in Torah study like his teacher, Rabbi Meir, and the radiance of his face shone as brightly as the brilliance of sunlight (Midrash Tanchumah, Chukkat 1).

We see that one who acts as he should, who lives a life of righteousness, generosity, Torah study and honesty, will shine with the brilliance of sunlight.

We are taught that there were many such people at the time of the destruction of the 2nd Temple. Yet, despite their great radiance, the sin of baseless hatred prevented their light from illuminating others. We can take an important step toward repairing the sin of baseless hatred by emulating the students in the following story:

“When the Torah study session was finished in Rabbi Ammi’s school, they would say to each other: “May you see your world in your lifetime.”

“May your eyes sparkle with the light of Torah

and you are face as the radiance of the Heavens.

May you speak words of great Torah insight,

and may your entire being be joyous,

with those things that are right and just in life.

May your feet hurry to hear the words of the One Who is Ancient, Older than Time Itself (Berachot 17a).”

We are taught that there were many such people at the time of the destruction of the Second Temple. Yet, despite their great radiance, the sin of baseless hatred prevented their light from illuminating others. We can take an important step toward repairing the sin of baseless hatred by emulating the students in the following story:

They prayed for each other to shine with the light of Torah and the radiance of the Heavens. At the very least, we too, can pray as did they.

The Midrash teaches that each of us contains the seeds of such radiance: When Israel stood at Mount Sinai and said, “We will do, and we will hear,” at that very moment they were given of some of the radiance God’s Intimate Presence (Pesikta Rabbati 21:5). We can use the 3 Weeks to become the highest form of Illuminators: those who nurture the inner radiance of those around them.

The Talmud teaches that one way we can nurture the light of others and thereby receive more like ourselves is: “Rabbi Dostai expressed the following insight in the name of Rabbi Yannai; ” If a person gives even the smallest coin to tzedakah, he will receive the light of God’s Presence (Bava Batra 10a).” We know how sometimes a simple act of kindness, a warm word, can bring light to the face of someone who is suffering. We don’t need to do usage things in order to become illuminators, the most ostensibly insignificant acts are often overflowing with the light of God’s Presence.

Rabbi Chanan of Tziporin said:

What does the unwise persons say?

“Who could possibly study all of Torah? The section Nezikin alone is 30 chapters! This section Keilim alone is 30 chapters!”

What does the person of insight say?

“I will study 2 laws today, and another to tomorrow, until I have studied the entire Torah (Vayikra Rabbah 19:2).”

We can the common illuminators on small step at a time.

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“There is joy for people who make plans to do good (Proverbs 12:20).” Rabbi Levi said, “whoever thinks to himself before going to sleep at night, “When I wake up tomorrow I will do good things for So and So,” that person will ultimately share great joy with the righteous in the Garden of Eden, in the Future World, as the verse says, “There is joy for people who make plans to do good.” [Midrash Mishlei 12:1]
It is appropriate to include this verse as part of our morning blessings during the Three Weeks with the intention to repair the damage of baseless hatred that led to the disruption of the Second Temple. We should also remember to say to ourselves before going to sleep, “When I wake up tomorrow I will do good things for So and So.”

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Long, long ago, a lone traveler set out to cross the Sahara Desert, heading north from Timbuktu. Days passed and he made steady progress on the road to Marrakesh. On the eighth day of his journey, the traveler was set upon by a ferocious sand storm. The wind lashed him without mercy and confused his sense of direction. When it was over, he was lost. Dunes of pitiless sand stretched in every direction. There was no shade and he had lost his supplies in the storm. Soon his tongue began to swell and his lips cracked, every ounce of his being cried for water. Vultures circled slowly overhead. The man wandered aimlessly until hope deserted him; he fell to his knees, ready to die.

The traveler did not know it, but just over the Eastern Dune, lay the oasis of Khalid the Kind, known throughout the Sahara as the possessor of the finest, purest water and the most generous heart the desert had ever known. Khalid the Kind regularly rode the dunes in search of the lost and the forsaken.

Just as the traveler prepared to close his eyes for the last time, the desert silence was broken by the plodding sounds of a camel. The camel and rider were soon at his side. Khalid gathered up the prostrate traveler and rode swiftly home.

Khalid offered the traveler water and the man drank deeply. Again and again he drank until his thirst had gone. At last the travelers spoke. “Great is my fortune to have encountered Khalid the Kind when Death held his cold hand upon my throat.”

“It was the will of God that you should live, I am but His poor servant,” Khalid responded. “Now you must drink more for truly you have not taken enough.”

“I would drink more of water but I am full, now I feel weakness and a great hunger, might I have some food?”

“Food, how can you think of food? Khalid cried. “It is water you need now. Not so long ago you were nearly dead of thirst. So drink and drink deeply.”

“Khalid, I am in your debt. But I have taken my fill of water and now I must eat.”

“I think the sun has addled your brain, my fine friend. You must drink more water or Death will claim you yet.”

The traveler turned his head away when Khalid offered him the ladle. Water spilled to the ground. Convinced that his new friend was insane for refusing the water he must need, Khalid swept him up from his resting place, and waded into the spring with the man in his arms. Again and again he dunked his new friend’s head into the water. The man choked and fought for air, swallowing great gulps of freshwater. Khalid was pleased.

When the traveler began to weaken, Khalid redoubled his efforts, holding the man under for longer periods to ensure that he would take water. Again and again the poor man was submerged until his strength waned to nothing, and Death did take him. The traveler died in Khalid’s powerful embrace.

Tears streaked the loving face of Khalid the Kind. “If only he had drunk a little more, he might have lived!” The man’s body was buried near the Oasis. His was not the only body laid to rest by Khalid the Kind. “Water, they must have water,” he muttered as he mounted his camel and headed out into the desert heat. (Dr. William Thomas; “The Eden Alternative.”)

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The first entry in my Service of God Notebooks in which I realized that there is Music to Halacha: “Everything that is brought to people who are having a meal that has a particularly wonderful aroma and thereby adds to the craving to eat the food; those who are eating must offer some of that food immediately to the person serving them. Offering some of every one of the dishes is a particularly fine way of doing this religious act (Shulchan Aruch; Orach Chaim 169:1).”

My father zt”l applied this law to any time I was eating a snack that looked particularly delicious, and insisted that I share it with my sister. He also insisted that when I was having a special joy in my learning, joy that was obvious to people around me, that I offer to study with anyone I would see who was not deriving joy from his learning. “Perhaps,” he said, “this is the meaning of what the Sages described as happening just before the destruction of the Second Temple: people were studying Torah even at a time of baseless hatred. People were soaring with joy in their learning and did not think to share that joy with others.” (Shabbat Devarim 5728 – 1968)

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“Happy is he who understands, Maskil, the needs of the lowly (Psalm 41:2).” Rabbi Yonah said, “Happy is the person who uses his talents when giving to those in need.” What does Maskil really mean in this verse? That the person doing tzedakah takes and intense look at the midst of a situation at hand and considers the very best way to give back to the other person is or her decent and dignified life (Midrash Tehillim 41:3).”

“Charismatic leaders make us think, ‘ Oh, if only I could do that, be like that.’ True leaders make us think, ‘ If they can do that, then I can too’ (John Holt).”

There is more to being creative and using our talents in loving and helping others then the help itself; when we can exemplify a new approach to loving others and acts of tzedakah we can inspire others to say, “If he can do that, then I can too!” An important aspect of the mitzvah to love others is to inspire them to believe that they can achieve ever greater heights.

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Vladek was notorious, the subject of jokes and gossip in Auschwitz work camp X. He was a Polish country boy who received packages from home with fruit and woolen socks, so he was potentially a person of some standing. All the same, he never washed.

Otto, the German barracks chief, one of the first inmates of Auschwitz, #14, ordered him to bathe. First in a nice way, that is to say with insults, then with slaps and punches, but in vain.

There came a mild September Sunday, one of the rare work free Sundays, and Otto took out one of the huge soup tubs, rinsed it, and then filled it with hot water. He put Vladek in it and washed him from head to foot. Otto could have beaten him up or had him transferred to the punishment camp.

That evening was Yom Kippur eve, and the inmates got in line for soup, as on every other evening. Otto was in charge of dispensing the soup. When Ezra got in front of Otto, he did not hold out his mess tin. Instead, he said: “Mr. Barracks Chief, for us today is a day of atonement and I cannot eat my soup. I respectfully ask you to save it for me until tomorrow evening.”

In all his Camp years, Otto had never run into a prisoner who refused food. He told Ezra to step aside and come back to him after he had finished lading it out.

Was Ezra perhaps less hungry then on other days?

Ezra answered that certainly he was no less hungry, that on the day of Yom Kippur he should also abstain from work, but he knew that if he did so he would be denounced and killed, and therefore he would work because the law allows disobedience of almost all precepts and prohibitions in order to save a life. That nevertheless he intended to observe the prescribed fast because he wasn’t certain that this would lead to his death.

Otto could not believe that after so long in Auschwitz Ezra had any sins for which he had to atone. Ezra explained that the atonement was not a strictly personal matter. The day and the fast contributed toward obtaining forgiveness from God for sins committed by others. “My sins too,” asked Otto. “What about their sins,” he continued, pointing at the German guards.

Ezra answered that, unlike Jonah the biblical prophet who brought forgiveness for all people, he was a simple man. He must insist on asking Mr. Barracks Chief that his soup be saved until the following evening, and also next morning’s bread. Do not keep the soup warm; keep it cold.

Otto asked why, and Ezra answered that there were two good reasons for this, one sacred and one profane. In the first place, he began to speak in a Talmudic singsong and to sway a little back and forth from the waist up, according to some it was inadvisable to make a fire on Yom Kippur even by the hand of Christians. In the second place, Camp soup tended to go sour quickly, especially when kept in a warm place. All the prisoners preferred to eat it cold rather than sour.

The following evening Otto presented Ezra with a huge portion of bread and soup.

How did Ezra know he could risk asking Otto for this consideration? Because Ezra saw that Otto did not beat Vladek, that he rinsed this soup pot before the bath, and that he used hot water, not cold, to bathe Vladek. (Primo Levi; “Moments of Reprieve,” The Cantor and the Barracks Chief)

“Daniel set the resolve in his heart to not be defiled by the king’s food nor by his drinking wine, so he requested of the Officer of the Eunuchs that he not be defiled. The Lord gave Daniel to the Attributes of Kindness and Compassion before the Officer of the Eunuchs. The Officer said to Daniel, “I fear my lord the king, who has provided your food and your drinks, lest he see your face is more ill at ease than the other youths in your situation, and you will forfeit my head to the King!” (Daniel 1:8-10)

Once Daniel heard the Officer, rather than execute Daniel, speak from his heart, he knew that he would get his way.

It only takes one tiny act of compassion to open the door for other people to begin to hope. Daniel heard the compassion in the voice of the Officer, and Ezra saw the compassion in the bath that Otto gave Vladek.

Daniel, the teacher of how to survive and thrive in exile, taught us to look for, grab and hold on to such expressions of kindness and humanity. This is a lesson we must take with us, especially in our darkest moments. It is also a lesson that we must always offer such expressions of kindness to others so that they can find hope. When we hate each other, we destroy far more than relationships; we deprive others who live in a world of hate of the opportunity to discover seeds of hope.

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