Rabbi Peter Grumbacher is a Reform rabbi in Wilmington, Delaware. In 1995, Rabbi Grumbacher’s mother passed away in New York City. So the next day he and his father were sitting with the funeral director. The man was taking professional notes on the information the Grumbachers were giving him. At one point, the funeral director excused himself and left the room. After he had gone, the father turned to the son and said, “I do not like this man”. The Rabbi said to his father, “why not, dad?” His father replied, “He treats your mother like a slice of white bread”. At that moment the Rabbi said to himself, “I found the solution to my dilemma”.

What was the dilemma?

There was one undertaker in the state of Delaware who Rabbi Grumbacher knew was the most compassionate of all the undertakers. Alan Schoenberg. He would be the best person to attend to the funerals of the loved ones of his congregation. But you are not supposed to stand up and recommend one over the other. And for years, he was trying to figure out how to make his case. And now he had his case.

He waited until Yizkor. With a packed synagogue he told the story of his father and the undertaker in New York. And then he said, “Alan Schoenberg will never treat your loved ones like a slice of white bread”.

At home later breaking his fast, the Rabbi received a phone call from Alan. Alan was at someone else’s break fast with a number of people from Rabbi Grumbacher’s synagogue. And Alan told the rabbi people were talking about him.

Guess what happened? If you drew a graph showing use of Alan, the first part of the graph would be a flat line at the bottom. But after the Rabbi’s talk, the line slanted sharply upward and went off the charts.

The Rabbi told this story at Alan’s funeral. I was moved. When I went home to New York something bothered me. I had a question. And I did something I had never done before. I called the Rabbi to ask him a question. “Rabbi, you said for years you had this dilemma. Do you have any idea how many years you had the dilemma”?

The Rabbi answered,“Yes, I do. I came to Delaware in 1972 and after I had met all the undertakers and worked with them, I saw Alan was the most compassionate. But I knew if I did not say the right thing I would not get the result I wanted for my congregation”. It took me until 1995 to find the correct words.

23 years! 23 years!!!!!

For 23 years a Rabbi kept his mouth shut. Because he understood that what he said had to have the desired result. This man understood the purpose of communication. To get a result. Not to talk. To get a result.

To get a result, you have to not only want to do the right thing. You need to do it the right way. Otherwise, the situation does not improve. And many times, you can make it worse.

When he finally had his case, he waited . Again. Not for the next Shabbat sermon. Not for the next holiday. For Yom Kippur, When he could reach the most people. Again, discipline. Understanding that the right words to the right audience at the right time will achieve maximum results.

How many of us open our mouths oh, too quickly. How many of us talk to hear ourselves talk? How many of us talk to feel superior to the person we are talking to? How many of us talk to embarrass the person we are talking to? How many of us use words unwisely, and unwell?

Today we are in the middle of the days of atonement. On Yom Kippur, we will say the confession. There is a long list. 46 sins. Look at the list. Something will jump out at you. A theme. 14 of the 46 have to do with the sins we commit with our mouths. Almost 1/3 of the entire list has to do with speech. I never noticed this before. But preparing this talk made me go to the list and I discovered something new. One of the major themes of this holiday is how we use our speech. A major theme. One third of all the confession.

There is a reason it is a major theme. Some sins take a lot of effort to commit. Theft. But if you want a quick fix when you want to do a sin, use your mouth. It’s handy, it’s quick and in no time poof! Sin! Mission accomplished.

We all know it’s very easy to do this. We speak without thinking. We can’t keep our mouth shut. We can’t wait to talk. It’s natural. And it can cause many problems.

So what is the solution?

The Rabbi Grumbacher 23… seconds of silence. This rule teaches us that when we want to say something we STOP………..for 23 seconds. And we consider the following: What do I want to achieve? Will this have a positive effect? What state of mind am I in and what state of mind is the person I’m talking to in? Will the words I use and the tone I use achieve what I want? If the answer is no…..shh. Be quiet.

If you find this tough to do, think of 23 years. 23 seconds is nothing compared to 23 years. Do you want to have the type of success Rabbi Grumbacher had? Take 23 seconds.

But of course there is the recurring problem of taking what we want to do when we think about next year and actually implementing it . How do you do that? Even the most sincere people find themselves slipping back into the old ways a few days after Yom Kippur. So how can we make this part of a concentrated effort in the new year?

For those of you who pray every day it is easy. At the end of every Amidah we say “guard our tongue from speaking evil”. So I suggest, in your prayer book , put in a sticker in with “23 seconds of silence” to focus you to think about the upcoming day’s key conversations and whether you should be talking or not.

But what if you don’t pray every day or even come to the synagogue once a week. It’s okay. You still have an option. Do you make a to do list every day? Put it on your to do list. Right between latte and laundry. And write it 5 times as large as the other things on the list. And don’t cross it off the list. It is to remind you all day long.

But Gerald, you ask, isn’t this a lot of work? Every day? Answer. No. You talk all the time. Take 23 seconds to think about all the time you talk and whether you’re going to get yourself in trouble, get other people in trouble, get nothing done, or get a positive result.

Every time I tell this story, I am reinspired.

I’ve heard many people speak. I’ve heard many Rabbis speak.

But I’ve never heard anyone not speak… for 23 years.

And then speak.

And be so spectacularly successful

We can take 23 seconds

We can think before we speak.

And decide whether it is time to speak, or be silent.

When we do decide to speak, we will have the possibility of being spectacularly successful

Checkerboard pieces are indifferent. Dice are indifferent. How do I know in what way they will fall? But once the dice have fallen, to use that cast carefully and skillfully –that is indeed my business.

So also in life, the central task is this: distinguish things, stand them apart, and say, “externals are not in my power; the ability to choose is in my power. Where shall I search after the good and the bad? Within, in what belongs to me.”

But in what is foreign to you, never call anything either good or bad, or profit or loss, or anything like that.

- Epictetus, Discourses 2.5.3-5

“And so, too, the righteous will see and be glad, the upright will exult, and the devout will be mirthful with glad song. Iniquity will close its mouth and all wickedness will evaporate like smoke, when You will remove evil’s domination from the earth.”

The paragraph’s final phrase implies that there are different stages in the end of evil: 1) “You will remove evil’s domination from the earth,” 2) “Iniquity will close its mouth,” and, 3) “Wickedness will evaporate like smoke.” What are the three stages?

1) “When You will remove evil’s domination,” begins when we can recognize that evil is foreign to us: “But in what is foreign to you, never call anything either good or bad, or profit or loss, or anything like that.” We do not need to declare something as evil, but as foreign, not pertinent or meaningful.

We define one of the three major evils as Avodah Zarah, or, worship which is strange to us. Evil’s domination begins with distraction. The Evil Inclination wants us to search out the unnecessary and unimportant so that we lose perspective, and cannot focus on what is important for us.

The moment we realize that its temptations are foreign, we have ended its domination, but not it’s power.

2) “Iniquity will close its mouth,” when we stop paying attention to all of the Evil Inclination’s “well-meaning” seductions. We only stop listening when we realize that the Yetzer Harah is indifferent to us. It doesn’t care about us. It cares for us no more than does a checkerboard piece or dice: “Checkerboard pieces are indifferent. Dice are indifferent.”

3) “And all wickedness will evaporate like smoke,” when we realize that, “I have the internal power to choose. I am responsible for my choices. My work must begin within me.” Evil will disappear when we say, “So also in life, the central task is this: distinguish things, stand them apart, and say, “externals are not in my power; the ability to choose is in my power. Where shall I search after the good and the bad? Within, in what belongs to me.”

The last time I can recall being looked at with such an unbearable hatred was when a gang of Muslims sent two dogs after me in Cologne, Germany, yelling, “Raus, Juden!” That is, until early this morning as Debbie and I were waiting in line at the security checkpoint in Newark Airport.”

The intense emotions immediately began to define my mood. I was angry, resentful and shaken. I personalized the experience and in doing so gave it dominion over me. I turned to the man who was still behind me in line, continuing to stare at me with pure hate, and laughed. I immediately regained control over my mood.

I wondered whether the man was still trying to drill holes in my back with the hatred in his eyes, so I turned around. The minute he saw that I didn’t care, he forgot about me. He was as indifferent as a checkerboard piece or dice. He only cared as long as I gave him the power to bother me..

The entire episode was an internal process. I quickly realized that I had chosen how to react from beginning to end.

How many of the issues I allow to fester in my gut are exactly the same; external, indifferent distractions from assuming Responsibility for my internal process?

How many of my desires for things I don’t need, things that can be dangerous to me, share those same qualities?

I find it interesting that this paragraph of the Rosh Hashanah Amidah begins, “”And so, too, the righteous will see and be glad, the upright will exult, and the devout will be mirthful with glad song.” The clarity necessary to fight the ether Harah, and for the victory that ensues, can only begin when we have found joy in our service of God.

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The preacher Harry Williams believed:

“We all have experience of two types of feeling. There is the feeling which unites us to our world and makes us rejoice in it, an experience of love, of acceptance, of communion. And there is the other kind of feeling which separates us from our world and makes us hate it, an experience of fear, of exile, of discord.

The first of these feelings belongs more truly to us than the second. We are profoundly satisfied by love and communion. We are exasperated by exile and hatred…

The difference between these two types of feeling is the difference between good and evil and evil is secondary, existing not in its own right but as thwarted goodness. ”

I observed people while waiting to be called for my flight. Some people, the ones my wife calls, “All American,” as praise, are warm and social. They are comfortable initiating conversation, sharing life information, and casually laughing and teasing. They are “Connectors,” who lived the “United,” in the U.S.

Then there are the others who, not because they are shy or withdrawn, keep others at a distance. They prefer separation to connection.

When we articulate the Rosh Hashanah version of the world, we speak of unity and connection. We believe tat unity is the natural state.

It’s worthwhile to include some reflection on whether we are primarily connectors or distancers in our Teshuva process. We must first understand and desire to be connectors before we can say, “And they will form on tightly bound group to do Your will with a full heart.” If we are distancers we will never be able to join with a full heart. Saying these words will only distance us from ourselves.

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A group of Jewish children with a teacher in Samarkand, (in modern Uzbekistan), ca. 1910. (Prokudin-Gorskii Collection/LOC)

My Cheder teachers dressed differently, but they look very similar to the rabbi in this picture. Dress up the children in a 1960’s wardrobe, and they will look just like the kids with whom I went to school.

We study the same texts. We teach the same observances. We could travel back in time and feel perfectly comfortable at a Shabbat table or synagogue service, in 1910 Samarkand, Uzbekistan. The people in the photograph are very much still alive in so many ways.

I can’t begin to count how many times a day I feel that many people who have passed on from this world are still alive. I can’t say the Grace After Meals without thinking of how my grandfather would take a lifetime concentrating on each word. He is constantly pushing me now, as much as he did when a physical presence, to review my studies, review again, and then, again. He speaks to me each time I open a Holy book I once studied with him. My father is a living presence as well. He challenges me to think, to carefully read the text, to conceptualize, to articulate clear principles, and to pay careful attention to every word I speak, every action and every thought. He taught me that Maimonides’ voice is as alive now as it was almost 900 years ago.

My rebbi from 1967, Rabbi Wurzberger zt”l, who died in middle of the school year, is a live presence when I read Rashi’s commentary on the Talmud. He taught me to feel that Rashi’s voice is alive.

Mr Epstein z”l, who took over for Rabbi Wurzberger, and died the same year, reminds me every time I begin to pray that I must stand with respect for a private audience with the King.

The list goes on and on. I live Zichronot all year. The voices of the past are alive and vibrant.

Something changes during Zichronot on Rosh Hashanah; I feel as if I am able to speak back to all those voices who give me life during the year. I am able to say, “Look what I am doing with what you taught!” “See that I connect with you across time!” I complete the circuit, and find an entirely new level of meaning in my life.

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Some people laugh and enjoy my Curious George t-shirt while others think it looks ridiculous. I don’t care. I am wearing it on my morning walks to help me prepare for Rosh Hashana.

The Curious George books did not hold my attention for too long when I was very young. A student in my father’s yeshiva in Toronto, who now heads his own yeshiva, gave me a stuffed Curious George monkey when I turned four years old. I loved it. It made me feel that perhaps I really was a normal kid. I took it with me everywhere except to synagogue. My father didn’t think it was appropriate.

One morning, while I was praying, a career criminal in a clear crime wave stole my Curious George. I should have taken him into synagogue with me in order to protect him from such violent criminals. (Do you see what happens when you don’t go to synagogue?) My world of innocence was shattered. It was difficult to fathom that such evil existed in the world. It may have been possible in New York, but certainly not in Toronto, and unquestionably not in a Yeshiva! The world lost much of its purity on that morning. I had failed where the Man in the Yellow Hat never had; I wasn’t able to rescue Curious George.

My sister-in-law heard the story and bought a Curious George t-shirt for me as a 48th birthday gift. The shirt makes me feel just as I did 46 years ago. It may not be as mushy and squeezable as my stuffed toy, but it certainly brings back the memories. I can’t reclaim the innocence but it is joyous and soothing to recall those feelings of a world in which people do not steal Curious George toys.

Those recalled feelings of innocence and purity are what help me prepare for Rosh Hashana – the birthday of Adam. There is no innocence as perfect as that of a newborn baby. He or she has yet to wake you in middle of the night. You haven’t even changed a single diaper. Everything is perfect. The parents focus only on their dreams for their perfect child. They conveniently ignore that one day, this absolutely innocent and pure baby will become a human being.

That is exactly how I imagine God’s perspective of me on Rosh Hashana: a perfectly pure and innocent newborn, focusing on all His dreams for me. Even if it’s only for a moment or two, it is great to reconnect to that absolute innocence and remember that it is still alive somewhere inside of me.

Curious George now comes to synagogue with me. Not the doll, and certainly not the t-shirt, but in that warm and fuzzy feeling of innocence that changes the way I see the world and myself.

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Both the father and his son were different: The father prayed for years to have a child. I knew from numerous conversations that, no matter how much he wanted a child, he was even more desperate for his wife to bear a child. I observed him three times a day at prayer and could see his palpable desperation. Many of us who watched the consistent intensity and power of his prayers, were moved to pray for him and inspired to become better prayors.

His wife gave birth to a son almost twelve years after they married. I recall his words at the Brit Milah: “Our son is living proof of the power of prayer. Thank You, God, and thank you to all who prayed for us. My wife and I pledge to always try to interact with our son as the answer to our prayers.”

The baby is almost thirty years old. I watched him grow up, and carefully observed the interaction between father and son. The father kept the pledge he made at the Brit; he related to his son as the answer to tens of thousands of prayers. He had suffered for this b child. He had fought hard for this child. His relationship with his son is different.

The son is also different. He has been a powerful davener since he first opened a Siddur. He knows how to fight to get what he wants. He is not fazed by suffering.

I imagine that a Yitzchak Avinu (Isaac the Patriarch) who suffered and prayed for ten years before his sons were born was different from a Yitzchak who is simply granted a child. His relationship with his children is different, probably the source of his love for Eisav.

Both Eisav and Jacob are fighters. Both are familiar with suffering. Eisav was more fighter, while Jacob was more the man of prayer.

The Zohar teaches that Jacob stole the month of Elul from Eisav. The month has Eisav’s power to fight, Jacob’s power of prayer, and the ability to steal opportunities, and combine the fighting and the prayer.

Fighting, praying, stealing, and combining all three, are exactly the qualities we need in the month before Rosh Hashanah, as we review the past year and worry about the next.

We must fight ourselves as we confront our Evil Inclination. We must battle against the sense of lost causes just as the father fought for a child despite being told by one doctor after another that it was a lost cause. Yitzchak fought for a child when others would have given up on their lost cause. There is always a part of the Teshuva process that confronts the Lost Cause: we find ourselves facing sins and mistakes that are all too familiar, sins for which we have repented last year and the year before and the year before that. How many times can we face the same sins without feeling that we are a lost cause.

At this point we must call on the fighter of Elul. We call on the fighter who specializes in battling lost causes.

We use prayer to fight. We use prayer to overcome the sense of lost causes and transform the sins and patterns of sin into growth; we steal those moments back from the Eisavs of the world.

This is our final week of fighting, praying, and stealing. I wish us great success.

Please don’t tell Marshall and Ellie about this; I don’t want them to worry while I am staying in their home. (I did notice some extra locks.)

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Most of us are familiar with two directions of service: “Itra’uta D’litata,” and “Itra’uta D’l'eila,” or, Stirrings from below, connections stirred by us, below here on earth towards God, and “Stirrings from Above,” initiated by God, Above, to reach out to us, here, below.

The Sefat Emet, (Likkutim L’Chodesh Elul) says that the only responsibility of a human being in Itra’uta D’litata is to choose to attach to God, all other stirrings will come from above to us.

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“To behold the sweetness of God and to contemplate in His Sanctuary.” (Verse 4)

Rabbi Elazar taught: The righteous in the World to Come will eat of the same Manna that Israel ate while in the desert. Do not think that the portions will be measured as they were in the desert. Each portion will taste of eternity and Infinity. This is what David described when he said, “To behold the sweetness of God and to contemplate in His Sanctuary.” (Zohar, Beshalach 63a-b)

David may be asking for ‘one thing’, but that one thing is Infinite and Eternal. Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are our opportunity to ask for the same perfect food; sustenance of a life that always feels eternal and infinite.

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The Shofar stirs people to return to God, as the verse (Amos 3) says: “If a Shofar is blasted in a city, will the people not tremble?”

The Sages taught that the Shofar blast of Rosh Hashana confuses Satan who believes that it may be the Shofar of the Messiah. It seems strange that Satan does not know that we blow the Shofar on Rosh Hashana and can be so easily confused.

The message of the Shofar is so powerful that Satan expects us to repent and merit the Shofar of the Messiah! (Kli Yakar, Genesis 22:13)

If only we would believe as much as Satan in the Shofar’s power!

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In praying for the whole world to repent, we are only following the example of Hashem, Who looks forward to the time when His ultimate plan for the creation – a world in which all mankind is righteous – will be realized, as the prophet Yeshayahu (46:10) proclaimed I foresee the end from the beginning . . . My entire wish [for all mankind to be righteous] will be fulfilled. (Sefat Emet – 5659)

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Learn & discover the Divine prophecies with Rabbi Simcha Weinberg from the holy Torah, Jewish Law, Mysticism, Kabbalah and Jewish Prophecies. The Foundation Stone is the ultimate resource for Jews, Judaism, Jewish Education, Jewish Spirituality & the holy Torah.