The Mother I Did Not Know
Feb 3rd, 2012 by Rabbi Simcha Weinberg in Reflections & Observations
The most important thing I learned about my mother while sitting Shivah is that I did not know her.I knew that she was involved in numerous projects, establishing a Bikur Cholim in Baltimore, helping abused women, building a day care center for developmentally challenged adults, teaching, outreach, counselor, creating the Ner Israel Service League that supports the Kollel, and a host of other projects. I knew enough to consider her a Chesed Hero and role model, but I still did not know even a small percentage of the projects she led or the people she helped.
I was envious as I watched my great nieces and nephews honor their parents and grandparents, fulfilling the Mitzvah of honoring parents, something I will never be able to fulfill again. I was heartbroken to realize that any honor I gave my mother was so much less than she deserved.
I observed her incredible devotion to her parents and tried to emulate her, but upon reflection I realize that her Kibud Av v’Eim was always an expression of Yirah, awe, of her parents, a quality terribly lacking in my Kibud Eim.
It’s too late now for me, but for those of you who still have parents, I share these thoughts so that you will never look back on your honor of your parents and experience what I now feel. Learn who they are and make your acts of honor an expression of more than just gratitude for giving you life. Treasure each opportunity to express honor powered by awe of the people you may not know as well as you think.
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What a powerful yet heart-wrenching message. I find it so extraordinary that you can take such an intimate experience of introspection at a moment filled with grief, loss and regret and use it as a teaching opportunity. It is such a compelling wake-up call for those of us who are still blessed with the possibility of enhancing our Mitzvah of Kibud Av V’Eim. I remember one of your suggestions regarding this Mitzvah; to make a list of all the things we respect and honor about our parents. The thing is, I believe that no matter how much effort we invest in compiling this list, there are things that we don’t see, things that we fail to know about our parents. Some details we might find out later, maybe when it is too late, some things we will never know. Maybe what is important is to keep on uncovering what makes our parents unique, to learn about who they are and to strive to honor them because of the awe this will inspire.
It seems to me that it is only when one has experienced true Yirah that one will have the sense that it is never enough, that there was so much more to honor, that one will feel pained by the absence of opportunities. True awe reflects the realization that this person was so much bigger than words can convey, that no actions could have properly done justice to one’s sentiment of gratitude, that this relationship was so beyond the honor one could ever have expressed.
Thank you for this humbling and inspiring lesson.