Rabbi Peter Grumbacher is a Reform rabbi in Wilmington, Delaware. In 1995, Rabbi Grumbacher’s mother passed away in New York City. So the next day he and his father were sitting with the funeral director. The man was taking professional notes on the information the Grumbachers were giving him. At one point, the funeral director excused himself and left the room. After he had gone, the father turned to the son and said, “I do not like this man”. The Rabbi said to his father, “why not, dad?” His father replied, “He treats your mother like a slice of white bread”. At that moment the Rabbi said to himself, “I found the solution to my dilemma”.

What was the dilemma?

There was one undertaker in the state of Delaware who Rabbi Grumbacher knew was the most compassionate of all the undertakers. Alan Schoenberg. He would be the best person to attend to the funerals of the loved ones of his congregation. But you are not supposed to stand up and recommend one over the other. And for years, he was trying to figure out how to make his case. And now he had his case.

He waited until Yizkor. With a packed synagogue he told the story of his father and the undertaker in New York. And then he said, “Alan Schoenberg will never treat your loved ones like a slice of white bread”.

At home later breaking his fast, the Rabbi received a phone call from Alan. Alan was at someone else’s break fast with a number of people from Rabbi Grumbacher’s synagogue. And Alan told the rabbi people were talking about him.

Guess what happened? If you drew a graph showing use of Alan, the first part of the graph would be a flat line at the bottom. But after the Rabbi’s talk, the line slanted sharply upward and went off the charts.

The Rabbi told this story at Alan’s funeral. I was moved. When I went home to New York something bothered me. I had a question. And I did something I had never done before. I called the Rabbi to ask him a question. “Rabbi, you said for years you had this dilemma. Do you have any idea how many years you had the dilemma”?

The Rabbi answered,“Yes, I do. I came to Delaware in 1972 and after I had met all the undertakers and worked with them, I saw Alan was the most compassionate. But I knew if I did not say the right thing I would not get the result I wanted for my congregation”. It took me until 1995 to find the correct words.

23 years! 23 years!!!!!

For 23 years a Rabbi kept his mouth shut. Because he understood that what he said had to have the desired result. This man understood the purpose of communication. To get a result. Not to talk. To get a result.

To get a result, you have to not only want to do the right thing. You need to do it the right way. Otherwise, the situation does not improve. And many times, you can make it worse.

When he finally had his case, he waited . Again. Not for the next Shabbat sermon. Not for the next holiday. For Yom Kippur, When he could reach the most people. Again, discipline. Understanding that the right words to the right audience at the right time will achieve maximum results.

How many of us open our mouths oh, too quickly. How many of us talk to hear ourselves talk? How many of us talk to feel superior to the person we are talking to? How many of us talk to embarrass the person we are talking to? How many of us use words unwisely, and unwell?

Today we are in the middle of the days of atonement. On Yom Kippur, we will say the confession. There is a long list. 46 sins. Look at the list. Something will jump out at you. A theme. 14 of the 46 have to do with the sins we commit with our mouths. Almost 1/3 of the entire list has to do with speech. I never noticed this before. But preparing this talk made me go to the list and I discovered something new. One of the major themes of this holiday is how we use our speech. A major theme. One third of all the confession.

There is a reason it is a major theme. Some sins take a lot of effort to commit. Theft. But if you want a quick fix when you want to do a sin, use your mouth. It’s handy, it’s quick and in no time poof! Sin! Mission accomplished.

We all know it’s very easy to do this. We speak without thinking. We can’t keep our mouth shut. We can’t wait to talk. It’s natural. And it can cause many problems.

So what is the solution?

The Rabbi Grumbacher 23… seconds of silence. This rule teaches us that when we want to say something we STOP………..for 23 seconds. And we consider the following: What do I want to achieve? Will this have a positive effect? What state of mind am I in and what state of mind is the person I’m talking to in? Will the words I use and the tone I use achieve what I want? If the answer is no…..shh. Be quiet.

If you find this tough to do, think of 23 years. 23 seconds is nothing compared to 23 years. Do you want to have the type of success Rabbi Grumbacher had? Take 23 seconds.

But of course there is the recurring problem of taking what we want to do when we think about next year and actually implementing it . How do you do that? Even the most sincere people find themselves slipping back into the old ways a few days after Yom Kippur. So how can we make this part of a concentrated effort in the new year?

For those of you who pray every day it is easy. At the end of every Amidah we say “guard our tongue from speaking evil”. So I suggest, in your prayer book , put in a sticker in with “23 seconds of silence” to focus you to think about the upcoming day’s key conversations and whether you should be talking or not.

But what if you don’t pray every day or even come to the synagogue once a week. It’s okay. You still have an option. Do you make a to do list every day? Put it on your to do list. Right between latte and laundry. And write it 5 times as large as the other things on the list. And don’t cross it off the list. It is to remind you all day long.

But Gerald, you ask, isn’t this a lot of work? Every day? Answer. No. You talk all the time. Take 23 seconds to think about all the time you talk and whether you’re going to get yourself in trouble, get other people in trouble, get nothing done, or get a positive result.

Every time I tell this story, I am reinspired.

I’ve heard many people speak. I’ve heard many Rabbis speak.

But I’ve never heard anyone not speak… for 23 years.

And then speak.

And be so spectacularly successful

We can take 23 seconds

We can think before we speak.

And decide whether it is time to speak, or be silent.

When we do decide to speak, we will have the possibility of being spectacularly successful