Dark Memories

Feb 4th, 2010 by Rabbi Simcha Weinberg in Portion of the Week, Prayer, Reflections & Observations, Spiritual Growth

1 Comment

Dark Memories

I had a strange experience today as I was hooked up to my IV. I closed my eyes to rest and listened to the pumping action of the IV, which usually helps me fall asleep. This time my mind played a powerful trick on me. As all the medications began to take effect and I fell into a deep and relaxed state, I felt as if I was back in the Medizinshe Hochshule Hannover in Germany, listening to the same sound of a machine pumping all sorts of things into me to keep me alive. All the fears, pain, loneliness, and frustration came back with a bang.

I had successfully repressed all those feelings while in Germany simply to keep my spirits up and maintain whatever I joy I could find in my existence. I was so successful at repressing those negative feelings that I have never thought about them until today. They were intense, almost overpowering.

How should I deal with all the repressed feelings of so long ago?

“Then any of the diseases that I placed in Egypt, I will not bring upon you, for I am God, your healer.” (Exodus 15:26) We understand that ‘diseases placed on Egypt ‘ as the plagues, but perhaps there is an additional meaning.

The Children of Israel suffered through many years of horror. Perhaps, they too, as did I, repressed the worst parts as their coping mechanism. If they looked back with fondness at any time in their recent history in Egypt, they were repressing memories. The repressed memories, not matter how well hidden, are diseases that can eat away at us. They are diseases which disconnect us from ourselves and prevent us from developing real relationships.

God was also referring to those diseased memories, promising His people a life in which they would not have to repress painful experiences. Once they learned to live without repressing the negative, the past would reappear, and God promises, “I am God, your Healer,” Who will heal those memories.

Marah was not only a bitter tree (Mechilta) that made the water sweet, it was also a promise, that God would sweeten those memories and turn them into something good, just as He did for me today, when he used those memories to offer another way read these verses.

This has transformed my recitation of the 8th blessing of the Amidah: Refaeinu – Heal Us. The bitter has become sweet.

Author Info:
Learn & discover the Divine prophecies with Rabbi Simcha Weinberg from the holy Torah, Jewish Law, Mysticism, Kabbalah and Jewish Prophecies. The Foundation Stone™ is the ultimate resource for Jews, Judaism, Jewish Education, Jewish Spirituality & the holy Torah.

• 

1 Comment

• Él-Ad Eliovson Feb 7, 2010 at 9:01 pm

  This post evokes many thoughts.

  First, “Oy!” – how my heart goes out to you my Rav and my Friend; how you have suffered (although you would always respond, “What suffering?”) My heart goes out to you Rebbe, now as always, and the words and melody of this beautiful pop song come to mind. As you listen to it, think of HaShem Yisborach singing it to you and the famous poem “Footprints.”

  http://popup.lala.com/popup/360569470961980552

  Second, how you have grown. The Science Fiction author Julian May in her magnus opus series, The Pliocene Cycle formally develops and expounds on the theory of how pain is a catalyst for psychic growth. Having known Rebbe (a little) both “before” and “after”, I find the adeptness of his abilities to have grown and blossomed and his mastery of different techniques to have reached, blee ayeen hara, phenomenal proportions as I have commented to Rebbe – v’Y'hee Rtzonon Yisborach sheh’keyn yirbu! This is a lesson to us all: we grow phenomenally under duress and when we come through fire.

  Then there is a lesson Rav Shmuel Brazil shlita taught as we sang at a Friday night Tish one time. “Songs”, Rav Shmuel taught, “would not be songs if they were all just one note. Even if they were a ‘high’ note! If it was all one note, the song would be flat, dull and hardly interesting to listen to at all. A song is comprised,” Rav Shmuel continued to explain, “of high notes and low notes as well as the notes and transitions in-between.” He was clearly teaching an analogy to our own lives.

  Next my mind turns to how much we mean to others and yet when we are suffering we completely forget our significance. This blindness to my mind is one of the most horrific achievements of the yetzer hara. When these dark moments fall upon us a key to escape them would be to think about the people in our lives and what we mean to them. On the other hand, when we confront potentially mortal situations, thinking of these people and how much they mean to us and us to them and is no doubt part of the terrible pain Rebbe described above. No wonder it is at these moments that we *truly* realize how much a gift all of life is and we tremble wondering if we will be able to recover it now that the gift has been fumbled. It seems to me that that is part of the Song of life. Until we lose the sense of adolescent “immortality” we’ll never fully know just how precious life is. (My advice is to daven once’s butt off in advance to ask G-d for that realization without the trial, or to ask G-d to help you, in advance, to survive it and to emerge from the fire with its lessons intact and more of a servant of HaShem than ever before if chas v’Shalom you’ll ever need to go through something life threatening.) Ribonon Shel Olam!! Av HaRachaman!! Have Mercy on *YOUR* creations!!!!

  Anyway, the interpretation in Rebbe’s posting is one tangible gift among so many from Rebbe’s trials and tribulations. It adds another dimension to my understanding of the phrase, “Ani HaShem Rofecha – I am HaShem your Healer.”

  Thank you HaShem for pulling us through hard times. And now, let’s hit those damn HIGH notes and hit ‘em HARD!!